Quest for the Wine gums

By Dannichu

Disclaimer: Do you think Nintendo would sue me if I forgot to put a disclaimer? Don’t they have enough money already?

Dedication: Uhh…to…that door! …And to Sarah the Swinub, of course ^-^

Rating: I, for insane!

Authors notes: Beware the ides of March…

Dannichu: It is a wonderful day in the Pokémon world.
Squirtle: *looks around* Who said that?
Dannichu: *appears next to the Pokémon* It’s me, Dannichu.
Bulbasaur: Dannichu who?
Dannichu: The author, you idiot!
Bulbasaur: Sheesh, you don’t have to be snippy about it!
Dannichu: It is a wonderful day in the Pokémon world.
Charmander: You said that.
Dannichu: Would you stop interrupting! *ahem* It is a wonderful day in the Pokémon world *glares at the Pokémon, who keep their mouths shut*.
Dannichu: It is a new day, and all is calm. Little do they know that their peace is about to be shattered.
Squirtle: We know now.
Dannichu: Will you shut up! I’m trying to set the scene here!
Pichu: Ahh… That’s what it is.
Dannichu: What did you think I was doing?
Bulbasaur: Trying to bore us to death.
Pikachu: *sees Dannichu staring at Bulbasaur, fuming* Bulbasaur, can you just be quiet and listen!
Bulbasaur: I would if she just got to the point!
Togepi: Pikachu’s right. Dannichu’s getting mad.
Bulbasaur: Ooohhh. I’m scared. What’s she gonna do, turn me into a rock? *Bulbasaur transforms into a rock*
Dannichu: He asked for it.
Pikachu: Dannichu!
Dannichu: Relax, he’ll get better. Now where was I? Oh yes. Their peace is about to be shattered by the greatest danger they have ever had to face!
Charmander: *sigh* What is it?
Dannichu: Something…um…bad.
Pichu: Bad?
Dannichu: Yes. Very bad.
Togepi: How bad?
Dannichu: Very, very bad.
Squirtle: Such as…?
Dannichu: Well…actually, I’m not quite sure yet.
Pikachu: Huh?
Dannichu: I haven’t decided yet.
Squirtle: What do you mean, you haven’t decided yet? How can you say it’s the greatest danger we’ve ever faced when you don’t know what it is yet?!
Dannichu: I just said that for dramatic effect. It isn’t fleshed out yet. Give me a little time; I’ve got a lot to do.
Charmander: You’re just lazy!
Dannichu: What? It’s hard being an author! Not just anyone can write a story. You can’t just replace me with some idiot off the street.
Squirtle: You’re right. It would take at least three idiots to replace you.
Dannichu: Right! That does it! *Squirtle changes into a rock*
Charmander: You have a thing for rocks today, don’t you?
Dannichu: Maybe.
Pichu: About that danger thing…
Pikachu: Don’t do us any favors.
Dannichu: Guess I’ll go off to plot now.
Pikachu: Oh, Dannichu…
Dannichu: Hmm…?
Pikachu: *Points at the two rocks on the floor*
Dannichu: Oh, yes. *Squirtle and Bulbasaur re-transform*
Bulbasaur & Squirtle: Grrr…
Dannichu: Gotta go! Important meeting! *vanishes*
Pichu: So…what do we do now?
Togepi: Sit around waiting?
Charmander: Looks like it.
Bulbasaur: Why should we sit around waiting for that poor excuse for an author makes up some…things…that we have to beat?
Squirtle: Good point.
Dannichu: *yells from clouds* Okay! Here they come! The greatest danger you’ll ever have to face!
Everyone: *looks around*
Meowth: Prepare for trouble!
Squirtle: WHAT?! THIS is supposed to be the greatest danger ever?!?
Pikachu: We’ve faced Mewtwo, Zapdos, Articuno, Moltres and Entei, and the greatest danger you can come up with is MEOWTH?!?
Dannichu: Yeah, the legendaries were getting a bit… repetitive, so I’m being more original! Charmander: ORIGINAL?!!! MEOWTH HAS APPEARED IN EVERY SINGLE POKEMON EPISODE EVER!!! THIS IS NOT ORIGINAL!!!
Dannichu: Not true. He wasn’t in the first episode. And relax; I can hear you just fine in lower-case letters.
Bulbasaur: You know, Dannichu, you’re one sad excuse for a human being.
Dannichu: I am not human! I am a genetically mutated species of human!!!
Bulbasaur: Riiiiiiiiight.
Meowth: Can I go now?
Dannichu: No. I have a brilliant idea!
Pichu: What?
Dannichu: Go down to the shops and get me some Wine gums.
Squirtle: Wha?
Pikachu: Why do you want wine gums? Why us?
Dannichu: Because I ate all of Sarah the Swinub’s and she’ll kill me if she finds out I’ve eaten them, and it’ll be a good story at the same time!
Pikachu: Fill me in, here. Why would anyone want to read a story about a bunch of Pokémon searching for some Wine gums?
Dannichu: Somebody is. *points at reader*
Bulbasaur: *stares at reader* I have to tell you one thing. Get a life.
Dannichu: Get the wine gums, NOW.
Togepi: Why can’t you get them magically? You’re the author. You can do whatever you want. Dannichu: Look up there. What do you see?
Togepi: The sky
Dannichu: No, off the page, up THERE.
Togepi: The title.
Dannichu: And what does that title say…?
Togepi: I can’t read!
Meowth: Quest for the Wine gums.
Dannichu: Exactly! If I just gave you them, it wouldn’t be much of a QUEST, now would it? Pichu: So true.
Dannichu: So, go to the shops and get them, NOW!!!
All the Pokémon: …*mumble to themselves as they mope away*

At the shops…

Pikachu: Well, we’re here!
Charmander: I’ll go ask if they have any. *walks up to till* Excuse me?
Kadabra: MWA HA HA!!! *sees Charmander* AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!! The evil and vengeful attack of the geography teacher from hell!!! *runs away*
Togepi: I do really not like Kadabra.
Squirtle: Let’s just get the wine gums, and then get out of here!
Bulbasaur: I don’t think this shop sells any!
Squirtle: You’re useless!
Bulbasaur: Any you’re annoying!
Squirtle: Shut up and go away!
Pikachu: Will you shut up!!!
Meowth: There should be a question mark there.
Pikachu: What?
Meowth: In that last sentence. If a sentence begins with ‘will’, it has to end in a question mark.
Dannichu: CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are the one-millionth person to comment on my appalling spelling and grammar!!! And for your prize you get to see the bottomless pit!!!
Meowth: What bottomless pit?
Dannichu: That one right over there *points to pit*
Pichu: *looking down* It's not bottomless.
Meowth: *suspiciously* What makes you think I want anything to do with a bottomless pit?
Bulbasaur: *tugs on Meowths arm* There is a bottom. See!
Meowth: Where? I don't see it
Squirtle: Right there! Look.
Meowth: *leans over* I don't see...
Bulbasaur: *nudge*
Bulbasaur: My mistake. It is bottomless, after all.
Squirtle: Yeah! Way to go! High five!
Bulbasaur: Whooo!!!
Pikachu: Sorry to inject a bit of sanity here, but can we just get the blinking Wine gums and go home?!
Pichu: There’s a sweetshop across the road.
Togepi: Yay! Sweets!
Charmander: Let’s go there, then.

At the shops…

Pikachu: *walks up to counter* Excuse me?
Totodile: Yes?
Pikachu: Totodile?! What are you doing here?!
Totodile: Working.
Pikachu: Okaaay…Do you have any Wine gums?
Totodile: Sorry, someone came in a little while ago and purchased our entire stock.
Pichu: WHAT?!
Bulbasaur: You’re kidding! The entire stock!
Charmander: Who was it?!
Totodile: I don’t know, I can’t remember!
Pikachu: You can’t remember?!
Charmander: You said it was a little while ago! How can you have forgotten someone who bought your entire stock of wine gums?!
Totodile: I…uh…have amnesia!
Bulbasaur: Sure, who was it?
Totodile: It was…Heracross!!!
Bulbasaur: Heracross?
Totodile: Yes, Heracross! I remember!
Charmander: Okay, where is he?
Totodile: I forget.
Togepi: Isn’t that him, over there? *points to Heracross*
Pikachu: He’s just there?! And you didn’t know where he was?!
Totodile: I forgot, okay?
Everyone: *Walks over to Heracross*
Pikachu: Hey, Heracross, you don’t want to give us some of those wine gums, do you?
Heracross: No.
Pichu: Please? We’d really appreciate it.
Heracross: No, they’re mine! All mine! I bought them!
Pikachu: What is we gave you some honey for them?
Heracross *suddenly interested* You have honey?
Pikachu: Well…no, but I’m sure we can get some!
Squirtle: Don’t tell me this will turn into a honey hunt!
Heracross: Do you want the Wine gums or not?
Bulbasaur: Fine we’ll get you some honey!
Squirtle: Where the heck are we going to get some honey around here?
Totodile: *pointing* There’s a honey outlet around the block.
Togepi: A honey outlet?
Totodile: It’s not far, just go over the river-
Squirtle: And through the woods?
Totodile: Very funny. Over the river and on the left-hand side. You can’t miss it.
Everyone: *leaves shop*
Totodile: I think I just gave them directions to the pub. Oh well.
Everyone: *heads down the road. Soon they come to a bridge over a raging river. A Pokémon suddenly jumps out in front of them, as they are about to cross*
Kadabra: Halt! MWA HA HA!!!
Squirtle: Oh good grief. What is it now?
Kadabra: Before the other side you see, you must first answer my questions three Charmander: Hey, what do you think this is? Monty Python?
Kadabra: Question the first-
Pikachu & Pichu: CHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!! *Thundershock Kadabra*
Togepi: Looks like he ran out of questions.
Pikachu: Let’s go.
Meowth: *suddenly appears* What’d I miss?
Squirtle: Meowth? You’re supposed to be dead!
Meowth: Dead?
Bulbasaur: I pushed- I mean, you fell into the bottomless pit!
Meowth: *sigh* How stupid are you? If you fall off a cliff, what kills you?
Squirtle: Hitting the bottom.
Meowth: So, if you fall into a bottomless pit, what kills you?
Bulbasaur: Umm…
Meowth: All right then.
Everyone: *crosses river, and come to the honey outlet*
Bulbasaur: Okay, let’s go inside.
Cyndaquil: I don’t think you want to, not without a torch.
Squirtle: Cyndaquil? What are you doing here?
Cyndaquil: Selling flashlights.
Pikachu: Flashlights?
Cyndaquil: To get through the maze of death!
Pichu: Maze of death?
Cyndaquil: Yup, right inside
Pikachu: Inside?
Cyndaquil: Yes indeed
Meowth: Now wait a minute. Why would a lard outlet have a maze of death?
Cyndaquil: How should I know?
Meowth: Well, how much are they?
Cyndaquil: 550,000 credits.
Squirtle: WHAT!?
Cyndaquil: You heard me
Pikachu: For a flashlight?
Cyndaquil: Hey, these are finely crafted instruments!
Meowth: I don't care how finely crafted it is, I'm not paying that much for a flashlight
Cyndaquil: Suit yourself
Charmander: Let's go
(They walk into the honey outlet. The door closes and they are immediately plunged into pitch-blackness)
Charmander: Hey! My tail flame went out!
Pikachu: Shouldn’t you be dead then?
Charmander: Yes, but no one seems to die in this weird fic, but anyway, I can’t see a thing.
Squirtle: Me neither.
Togepi: It’s scary!
Meowth: We’d better get out before we get lost.
Bulbasaur: I guess he's right. Anyone know where the door is?
Cyndaquil: (opening the door) Right here!
Bulbasaur: *grumbling* All right, we'll pay you *hands over 550,000 credits*
Cyndaquil: Thank you.
Bulbasaur: Pikachu, can you turn this on? It helps if you have hands.
Pikachu: *clicks on flashlight, but nothing happens* Hey, this doesn't work!
Cyndaquil: Well of course not. A flashlight doesn't work without batteries.
Bulbasaur: I paid 550,000 and batteries aren't included?!
Cyndaquil: Sorry, no.
Squirtle: Grrr. Well, how much are batteries?
Cyndaquil: 100,000 credits.
Pichu: *sarcastically* Only 100,000? What a bargain.
Cyndaquil: They're on sale.
Squirtle: Fine! (Hands Cyndaquil 100,000 credits)
Cyndaquil: Here you go. (Gives Pikachu batteries)
Pikachu: *puts them in the flashlight but it still doesn't work* What now?
Cyndaquil: I believe it needs a bulb.
Squirtle: WHAT?! Bulbs aren’t included either?!
Cyndaquil: It would appear not.
Squirtle: Okay. You have exactly one second to give me some batteries before I hydro-pump you into infinity!!!
Cyndaquil: *quickly* Fine, I’ll throw in the bulb for free because I know you, but don’t tell anyone. I might lose my customers.
Pikachu: *puts in bulb and flashlight works*
Togepi: Yay!
Pichu: All right!
Squirtle: *grabs flashlight from Pikachu* Let’s go then!
Everyone: *Looks around and see a number of corridors leading off in different directions*
Pichu: So which way do we go?
Pikachu: More to the point, how do we keep track of where we are?
Bulbasaur: Anyone have any string?
Charmander: No, but I bet Cyndaquil would sell us some.
Squirtle: Yeah, for about a million credits. Let's just pick a direction and go.
Bulbasaur: Maybe we should split up into smaller groups.
Pikachu: We only have one flashlight.
Meowth: Unless you’d like to go back and get another one…
Bulbasaur: Let’s stick together.
Everyone: *wanders around for about three hours until they find a door*
Pikachu: This is it!
Squirtle: Hallelujah!
Togepi: Yay!
Meowth: *opens door to reveal a bright room with four Pokémon playing on a PS2* WHAT!?!
Chikorita: What are you doing here?
Charmander: Oh, man. Another Johto starter. At least this one isn’t selling anything.
Jigglypuff: What do you want?
Squirtle: *falls to his knees* Some honey!!! Is that too much to ask?!?!!
Clefairy: *stops arguing with Flaaffy over weather to play FFXI or Grandia* Honey? You’re halfway there!
Meowth: Can you tell us where to go? It took us a long time to get here, and we’d really appreciate it.
Jigglypuff: Sure we’ll tell you!
Flaaffy: IF you can beat us.
Bulbasaur: You want to fight! Bring it on!
Clefairy: No, you Neanderthal. Not in a fight!
Charmander: How, then?
Jigglypuff: Why, at Dance, Dance Revolution, of course!
Meowth: ?!
Flaaffy: Yeah, but we'll be fair and let you all practice so you can see who's best before we start the challenge. The best couple will go up against us.
Squirtle: How nice of you
Pikachu: I guess we have no choice. We accept your challenge!
Everyone: *takes turns practicing. When they're done Clefairy tabulates the results*
Clefairy: Okay, let's see, Squirtle, you got 0 perfects. In fact, you didn't make one step correctly. Congratulations. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be that bad.
Squirtle: Gee thanks
Clefairy: Meowth, you didn't do much better. 20 perfects. Charmander, you got 54 perfects. I had no idea you were so light on your feet. You'll have to take me dancing one of these days.
Charmander: I'll get right on it.
Clefairy: Okay, Pichu, you got 96, Togepi got 104 perfects, enough for a B, very good, Pikachu got 119 perfects and Bulbasaur got all perfects. Of course, Bulbasaur, having four legs, just stood with one foot on each pad and bounced up and down. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disqualify you for that.
Bulbasaur: Rats.
Jigglypuff: So Pikachu and Togepi, versus…?
Clefairy: Well, Flaaffy got 98 perfects, I got 104, You got 109 and Chikorita got 117, so it’s Pikachu and Togepi versus Clefairy and Chikorita.
Flaaffy: Drat it.
Squirtle: I can’t believe I was beaten by and egg on legs.
Pichu: C’mon Togepi! Come on Pikachu! You can do it!
Charmander: Yeah! Go!
Bulbasaur: You can do it!
Flaaffy: All right! Let the competition begin!
*Pikachu and Togepi win with 111 and 115 against 109 and 114*
Pichu: Yay! We won!
Meowth: Okay, we won. Now tell us how to get through the maze.
Jigglypuff: All right. See that door? You go straight down that way.
Bulbasaur: Straight down that way?
Jigglypuff: Uh huh
Squirtle: What do you mean? There are no turns or anything?
Jigglypuff: Am I talking in another language? No, there are no turns. You go down that corridor. It goes straight to the center.
Pichu: Wait a second! What kind of maze is that?
Chikorita: Umm, a really, really easy one?
Meowth: So we did that for nothing?! We could have just gone down that corridor?!
Flaaffy: No, Pikachu and Togepi did all that for nothing.
Togepi: *sticks out tongue at Meowth*
Meowth: Why me?
Bulbasaur: Let’s go, then!
Everyone: *walks down the corridor to reach another door*
Pikachu: Okay, this should be the center.
Squirtle: *reaches to open door*
Kadabra: Not so fast!
Pikachu: Not you again!
Pichu: Go away and we won’t hurt you!
Kadabra: Do your worst! MWA HA HA!!!
Pikachu & Pichu: CHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Kadabra: See? I have a cloaking device that can protect me from any attack!!! MWA HA HA!!! Meowth: Can we get past? Please?
Kadabra: Only if you give me the spoon of purity, which you can only get from the Queen of the Arcanine. But in order to get into her castle, you have to pass the Piloswine Gang. You can only do that if you get the Cloak of Parity, which is in the possession of the mad Dr. Hypno. He'll give it to you, but first you have to give him the Chad of Clarity. You can get that from the haystack of chads in Corel. But there's a guard there. He'll let you through, however, if you give him the Shampoo of Oily Hair.
Pikachu: Oily hair?
Squirtle: Or how about we take his cloaking devise and MAKE him move?
Bulbasaur: I like the second option.
Pikachu: Okay, we all attack Kadabra on a count of three!
Squirtle: Attack on the count of three?! That’s the best you can come up with?!
Pikachu: Can you think of something better?
Squirtle: Anything would be better!!!
Pikachu: Fine! You make the plan!
Squirtle: Okay…we attack…on the count of…five!!!
Pikachu: Okay, we attack on the count of five. Any questions?
Pichu: If a train leaves the station traveling east at 50 mph and another train leaves a station 35 miles away traveling west at 30 mph, when will...
Pikachu: Sorry, Pichu, we’re not going to answer your maths questions now.
Pichu: Drat.
Bulbasaur: Everyone ready?
Charmander: One, two three four…FIVE!!!
Everyone: *attacks Kadabra, who faints, and steals his cloak*
Pikachu: This? It’s a cloak. An ordinary cloak.
Meowth: Let me try it on! *puts on cloak*
Pichu: Can we go in now, Obi-Wan?
Pikachu: You watch Star Wars?
Pichu: Maybe.
Bulbasaur: Put down the blinking cloak, and let’s just get the blinking honey, so we can get the blinking Wine gums!!!
Togepi: Blinking?
Bulbasaur: Believe me, I would have put in a stronger word if this weren’t a ‘G’ story.
Squirtle: *opens door*
Heracross: So, you finally made it!
Pikachu: WHAT?!
Heracross: Yes, I own the honey outlet! Surprised?
Meowth: Not really. We read the script beforehand.
Dannichu: *whacks Meowth* Shut up! You’re not supposed to go and tell everyone! *vanishes*
Meowth: Ouch…
Pichu: If you own the outlet, then why did you send us here?
Heracross: Totodile did!!! Not me!!! MWA HA HA!!!
Bulbasaur: Mwa ha ha? Oh no…
Squirtle: Not you…
Heracross: Yes! I fooled you!!! It is not Heracross!!! It is- *whips off costume*
Everyone: NOOO!!!
Kadabra: ME!!!!!!!!
Togepi: How many places can you be in at once?!
Kadabra: A lot. MWA HA HA!!!
Squirtle: That is getting REALLY annoying!
Pichu: Can we just thunderbolt him again?
Pikachu: Yes, come on!
Pikachu & Pichu: CHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Kadabra: *Falls unconscious*
Charmander: Okay, the honey…find some honey!
Bulbasaur: I see some! *runs over to honey pot* ACK! *someone grabs honey off him*
Winnie-the-Pooh: My honey! Mine!
Pikachu: For the love of pie… Pichu, get over here.
Pikachu & Pichu: CHHHUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Winnie-the-Pooh: *falls down to the ground*
(Dannichu: Sorry to all you Pooh Bear fans out there. I don’t like him. Oh yeah, don’t sue me for putting him in this fic, either!)
Pikachu: *Grabs honey* Let’s get back to Heracross! Before something else comes along!
Squirtle: Hey! There’s a back door here! *opens it* Oh man! We could have just gone in here in the first place!
Pikachu: Sheesh… Why do I have to be in this fic? I could be a regular, normal, untalking Pokémon in Butterfree’s story! Why did I have to be mutated by Dannichu?!
Dannichu: Hey! You’re my favorite Pokémon! I couldn’t make a fic without you!
Pikachu: Gee, thanks, I think.
Bulbasaur: Let’s get back to Heracross, get the wine gums and give them to Dannichu!
Pichu: Okay, back to the sweetshop!
Meowth: We need to go around to the front.
Everyone: *walks to the front of honey outlet*
Squirtle: Wow! Who would believe that it’s that big inside!? It looks tiny out here!
Cyndaquil: Did you survive the maze of death?
Bulbasaur: Hmmm…gimmie a minute to think about that one…tough… WELL DUH!!!
Togepi: There’s the bridge!
Pichu: Let’s go, and hope that Heracross is still waiting for us!
Everyone: *crosses bridge and arrives at sweetshop*
Totodile: Hello, and who might you be?
Pikachu: Wow, this guy has bad amnesia.
Heracross: What took you?
Squirtle: Not much, only a psycho Kadabra, a maze of death, a challenge on dance, dance revolution and Winnie-the-Pooh, but other than that, not much!!!
Heracross: so I assume you go the honey in the end?
Pikachu: Yes! Here you go! Now can we have the Wine gums?! PLEASE?!
Heracross: Sure, here! *hands over Wine gums*
Charmander: Thank you!!!
Meowth: We’d better get back to Dannichu before Sarah the Swinub does!
Dannichu: *teleports them to her* So, did you get them?!
Pikachu: *practically throws them into Dannichu’s hands* YES!!! HERE YOU ARE!!!
Squirtle: And…Dannichu…
Dannichu: Yes…?
Dannichu: I won’t don’t worry…Hey! Sarah’s coming! You have to go!
Charmander: That’s our thanks?
Dannichu: What do you want? A medal? Get lost! If she sees you, you’ll have done all that for nothing!
All the Pokémon: *glare at Dannichu as they leave*
Sarah the Swinub: Hi Dannichu!
Dannichu: Hey, Sarah.
Sarah: Wow, I’m hungry. You don’t know where my wine gums are do you?
Dannichu: They’re just there *points at table*
Sarah: Thanks, want one?
Dannichu: I’ll pass.
Sarah: Yuck! Theses taste like they’re about a week old! What did you do to them?!
Dannichu: Nothing!
Sarah: Yes you did! *chases Dannichu*
Dannichu: ACK!
All the Pokémon: *watch, while trying not to laugh*
Squirtle: Well, that worked.
Pikachu: Who would have guessed what adding a little honey and tar to Wine gums would do?

The end.

Wow, that was fun! I’m running out of ideas for mad stories now, so if anyone has any ideas or any twenty or so phrases (see Fun in Cyberspace), just send them to me, or just review at, please! I want to know what all my readers (all 0.7 of you), think!!!

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