Star Latias and the Nine Vertical Pies
Author’s Foreword: If you’re familiar with the video game Star Fox 64, you’ll notice that many of the characters in this work resemble characters from that game. Nevertheless, I have tried to stay true to the spirit of Pokémon by injecting some Dannichu-style insanity (I confess it really is a shame she’s not yet working for The Pokémon Company—she could be making fans ever more wildly in love with Pokémon and raking in the cash, too!). Being a fiercely loyal Pokémon fan, I have made every effort to ensure that the Pokémon characters assume the roles, but not the personalities, of Fox McCloud and his friends. September 12, 2003
In the year 2028, there was a prosperous, bustling planet inhabited entirely by Pokémon who had effectively adopted the technologies of human beings, to create a realm that rivaled even planet Earth. Every time a Clefairy-owned spaceship touched down, the immigrants made a stop at the nearby Riceria Interplanetary Air Force Base to hear General Pikachu speak to the Kantonians, Johtonians, Hoennians, and Bloatonians about the duties and responsibilities of living on this fair planet. They called it Riceria because of the vast rice paddies that grew like weeds in the large, swampy regions that covered much of the planet’s surface.
One of the premier founding families of Riceria was the legendary Dragonia clan. Far from being a group of arrogant, narrow-minded barbarians, as many would assume a family of dragons to be, the Dragonias were among some of the most benevolent and dedicated members of society. The Dragonias were a small but proud group, composed of just two members—the sibling dragons, Latias and Latios. Their previous endeavors at the art of sedition in overthrowing the world’s first digital realm, The Box, (see my fan fiction by the same title for more information), brought them much fame and prestige, and their successes in the Air Force only confirmed their talents. Latias, in particular, was highly skilled in completing the most dangerous missions that even her older brother thought crazy to attempt: destroying a massive meteor just minutes before it crashed into the planet, redirecting a stray spaceship back to Riceria, and even dog-fighting with technologically sophisticated Team Rocket fighter jets that invaded the Riceria skies. What was especially remarkable about the Dragonias’ skills as warriors was that neither of them flew a jet themselves, let alone fired a gun or blasted a bomb. Their psychic powers and ability to fly with their own wings allowed them to conduct war with no casualties; instead of annihilating a ship to the point of destroying everything inside, for instance, they could disable the craft while preserving the lives of the people inside.
Because of their heroic deeds and their constant attention to the sanctity of life, General Pikachu dubbed them Star Knights, meaning that they were to be addressed as “Star Latias” and “Star Latios.” They not only had the honor of becoming Star Knights, but of becoming Riceria’s very first Star Knights, the aristocrats among the grunts.
[General Pikachu sits in a computer-controlling center, as the radar screens indicate no enemy craft approaching Riceria. He happily gnaws on an apple while polishing the golden Ho-oh adorning his general’s hat, and his advisors, Totodile and Cyndaquil, casually chat with each other. Suddenly, a bunch of red lights mounted on the ceiling glow, and an ominous buzzer blares as the voice a Mr. Mime screams,]
Mr. Mime: Incoming enemy! Incoming enemy! UFO sighted at 36° west and 45° north! [As General Pikachu spits out a chunk of apple and thrusts his hat on his head, Totodile and Cyndaquil dash up to a computer while Pikachu runs up to them.]
General Pikachu: Totodile, can you get a more detailed radar map?
Totodile: Okay, here’s the Base . . . and there’s Jet Hangar #2 . . .
Cyndaquil: He wants an aerial map, you moron! We’re under attack by aircraft and you give us a bird’s eye view!?
Totodile: It appears that ground forces have made contact, and about twenty small craft are circling Riceria City!
General Pikachu: Crud! Are we going to have a naval battle, too?
Cyndaquil: It would appear so, sir. [Points to a large white dot on the blue ocean rendered on-screen.]
General Pikachu: Mobilize all units, immediately!
[Totodile and Cyndaquil frantically call up field commanders on their videophones, while Pikachu makes a personal call to Star Latias and Star Latios.]
General Pikachu: Star Latias and Star Latios! We need your help! Air forces are closing in on Riceria city and threaten to destroy everything in sight!
Star Latios: Say “please.”
General Pikachu: [Urgently.] “Please!”
Star Latios: Say “pretty please.”
General Pikachu: [Rolling his eyes.] “Pretty please!”
Star Latios: Say “pretty please with a cherry on top and marshmallows and chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream and nuts and—“
[Star Latias shoves aside Star Latios as she gets to the camera.]
Star Latias: Please forgive my dear brother. He had one too many custard pastries and he’s feeling a bit silly—
Star Latios: [Shouting, shoving his face in front of Star Latias.] There is no end and no beginning! There is ONLY—CUSTARD—PASTRIES!
Star Latias: I’ve flipped like that before, too. He should be back to normal in just a minute. [Pushes aside Star Latios.] How can we help you, General?
General Pikachu: Destroy all units! Charge! No, seriously—stop the ships before they go any further, then head to Kadabross’ base on the planet Poison. Shut down the base, and bring Kadabross to Riceria City.
Star Latias: We won’t let you down, sir!
[Star Latias and Star Latios fly at 450 miles per hour through the stifling heat. Half a mile away from Riceria City, enemy craft begin firing bursts of laser energy at the Star Knights.]
Star Latios: Whoa! [Dodges blasts from enemy craft by flying all through the sky.] Analyzing enemy shields . . . it appears that robots control all these. Yes, they’re definitely mechanized!
Star Latias: Then what are we waiting for? Fire away!
[Star Latias and Star Latios quickly destroy all of the small, mechanized craft, watching the metal spheres succumb to bursts of Psychic and Luster Purge, at multiplied power.]
Star Latias: That was suspiciously easy . . . [A giant flying cow appears, looming larger and larger.] I knew it was too good to be true . . .
SpongeBobSquarePants: [From inside the cow.] Ah, so this is Star Latias and her knuckleheaded brother, Star Latios! I am going to crush you!
Star Latios: We’ll see about that, you moldy sponge!
SpongeBobSquarePants: [Sends out high-powered streams of pressurized milk at the Star Knights, and both get dripping wet.]
Star Latias: What kind of an attack was that!?
SpongeBobSquarePants: I’m not done yet! [Sends out a robotic Pikachu to shock them both. Neither one dodges the bolts.]
Star Latios: Absorb the energy, Latias!
[Star Latias and Star Latios store the energy.]
Star Latios: Keep absorbing! . . . All right, I’ll take out the Pikachu. You take out the rest of the cow!
[Star Latios releases a huge ball of psychoelectric energy that destroys the robotic Pikachu, as the parts fall into the sea, making an enormous splash.]
SpongeBobSquarePants: Impressive. But look at this! It’s my Wheel of Gloppy Cheese! No one can resist the Wheel of Gloppy Cheese! Feel the wrath of Kadabross! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[The Wheel of Gloppy Cheese flies out, and swallows Star Latias in one gulp. With a noisy belch, it flies back to the cow.]
Star Latios: Latias!
[Suddenly, the Wheel flies into the exhaust pipe of the cow, and the engine stops.] SpongeBobSquarePants: What? My cow ship! Argh! [Attempts to restart the ship, but to no avail.] Uh-oh . . .
[The cow ship shoots electric bolts from the exhaust pipe, which travel through the body of the ship and shock SpongeBobSquarePants. The ship then explodes, with Star Latias making a dramatic exit from the flames, like a phoenix rising from its own consummation.] SpongeBobSquarePants: My emperor! I have failed you! Kadabross shall never be defeated! [SpongeBobSquarePants flies through the air and lands in the sea a mile away from his ship, which sinks, burning, in the foamy water.] Ack! Plubt! I’m drowning! . . . Oh, yeah . . . I’m a sponge . . . heh . . . I thrive in water. I wonder where Patrick is? . . .
Latios: Sorry to all you SpongeBobSquarePants fans out there, but he and Patrick scare me, frankly! . . .
Star Latios: How did you do that?
Star Latias: I had a Dreaded Game Link Cable with me. The Wheel obeyed my commands once it digested the Cable, so it sabotaged the SpongeBobSquarePants craft.
Star Latios: You’ve earned your title many times over, dear sister.
Star Latias: And you, too, dear brother. Who knows? Maybe you’ll pull off the next great feat of the Star Knights Duo!
[Star Latias and Star Latios blast off into the blue sky, the sun shining in the background, while smoke continues to rise from where the cow was.]
[Star Latias and Star Latios enter the atmosphere of a purple planet much removed from Riceria.]
Star Latios: We’re entering the planet Poison!
Star Latias: [Sarcastically.] There sure weren’t very many enemy craft along the way, were there?
Star Latios: [Sarcastically.] Oh no, just a giant Oreo™ cookie, a pair of dancing pants, a rubber ball that traveled at the speed of light, a battery with pink spots, a deranged bread maker, and a Mewtwo clone, not to mention the radioactive skeletons and the exploding teeth!
Star Latias: What about the robotic Tom Jones that danced the hula and spat grapes at us while sneezing “Jingle Bells” and playing the accordion to “She Loves You”?
Star Latios: Now that was weird. I’m not going to forget that anytime soon. You can count on that!
[Star Latias and Star Latios approach a giant brown mushroom-shaped building painted with red stars all over it. Four stealth craft emerge from inside.]
Star Latias: Oh, great, just what we need—Star Mightyena.
Star Mightyena: You punks are going nowhere.
Star Kecleon: Just keep your mouth shut, you [expletive]!
Star Primeape: Bow before the great Kadabross!
Star Grumpig: We’re the Star Mightyena Team! And we’re going to kick your [expletive] from here to the Mushroom Kingdom!
Star Latios: You guys swear a lot, don’t you?
Star Kecleon: [Expletive] you, you [expletive] [expletive]!
Star Latios: That is so pedestrian. Can’t you think of a better insult, you rump-fed runnion? [Author’s Note: I got this insult from Shakespeare’s Macbeth.]
Star Kecleon: [Expletive]! [Expletive]! [Expletive]!
Star Latios: Why don’t you use a word that general audiences will actually be able to read?
Star Kecleon: Who the [expletive] is censoring my [expletive] lines!? I thought this was a [expletive] free country!
Star Latios: Actually, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled over 50 years ago that the First Amendment does not protect lewdness, libel, obscenity, and fighting words, because they’re not essential to expressing ideas.
Star Kecleon: [Expletive]! So I can’t say what the [expletive] I want, when the [expletive] I want to?
Star Latios: Evidently not.
Star Kecleon: But this is Poison, not the United States.
Star Latios: Ah, but an American is writing our lines!
Star Kecleon: All right, then . . . Lard-tonsils!
Star Latios: Cheese-arm!
Star Kecleon: Moose-feet!
Star Latios: Bubble-gut!
Star Kecleon: Pizza-face!
Star Latios: Pie-eyes!
Star Mightyena: Fools! You mentioned the Forbidden Word! Now, the wrath of the Nine Vertical . . . erm . . . Baked-Goods-That-Must-Not-Be-Named will be upon us!
Star Grumpig: Waaah! Mommy!
Star Primeape: I see them!
[Nine vertical pies emerge from the giant mushroom-shaped building, baked to a golden brown. Each one is five miles in diameter, and each one is quarter-mile thick. One of them lands on Latios, smashing him into the ground, giant apple slices and cinnamon sauce oozing everywhere.]
Star Grumpig: Look at all that pie!
[A pie falls on Star Grumpig, while Kadabross emerges.]
Kadabross: Mwa ha ha! Come and get me! I alone control the Nine Vertical Thingies! With my them and my all-vegetable compass, no one can stop me from ruling the universe! Now, what Greek letter represents a constant that is approximately equal to 3.14? . . .
Star Primeape and Star Kecleon: Pi!
[A pie falls on Star Primeape, and another on Star Kecleon.]
Star Latias: NO! They don’t know the difference between “Pi” and “pie!”
[Two pies fall on Star Latias.]
Star Mightyena: Kadabross, you’re insane!
Kadabross: Well, I am the Kadabra from Fun in Cyberspace, so what did you expect? Star Mightyena: [Smirking to himself as he flies around.] Why did you change your name, anyway?
Kadabross: Because I love boiled sandwiches and sliced eggs.
Star Mightyena: Anything else!? . . .
Kadabross: And . . . because . . . because . . . because . . . because . . .
Star Mightyena: Yes, go on . . .
Kadabross: Because . . . of all the wonderful things he does!
Star Mightyena: Whom?
Kadabross: Rrgh . . . D’oh . . . I can’t take it anymore! It’s Mr. PIE! PIE! PIE! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha—ah ha ha ha ha ha—
[The last of the Nine Vertical Pies fall on Kadabross.]
Star Mightyena: Awesome! I get all the hits that the Star Knights got . . . wow, I got enough for nine more Arwings! I should get a medal! I completely defied the title of this story! Thank you Mr. Pie, wherever you are! . . .
[Mr. Pie, who is just like one of the Nine Vertical Pies, apparates into the sky. He falls upon Star Mightyena, the apples oozing and mixing with apples from the Nine Vertical Pies.]
Mr. Pie: I am the Tenth Vertical Pie. Now, I am the hero. And remember, kids, these hallowed words of wisdom: “Pie is not a food. Pie is what you get after you eat your food.”—Tess from the Touched by an Angel TV series.
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