Quite Possibly the World’s Weirdest Vacation
A (Insane) Pokémon Tale by Latios
Author’s Foreword: Lately, I’ve been feeling too stressed out and too lacking in serious ambition to write a fan work that isn’t silly, off-the-wall, or otherwise Dannichuian. Nevertheless, I hope that you enjoy this work, and that it may be even zanier than The Bloatonian Dream and Star Latias and the Nine Vertical Pies! October 17, 2003
Author’s Dedication: To Butterfree, Dannichu, Mewkitty, Sarah the Swinub, Jolty, and the Jolt Master, of course! You’re all great Pokémon fans!
[One day, Togepi and Totodile walk into the nearest PokéBurger, half-famished from a recent tournament battle with some friendly rivals in a trainer-free competition. After waiting in line with a bunch of other Pokémon who seem to take forever to move forward, Totodile dashes to the counter, where his order is taken by the cashier, a Togetic:]
Togetic: Welcome to PokéBurger. May I take your order?
Totodile: Well, duh! Why else would I have waited for, like, twenty-odd minutes in this [expletive] line in this [expletive] restaurant!?
Togetic: You don’t need to swear, sir.
Totodile: I can say whatever the [expletive] I want!
Togetic: You may not know this, but . . . Big Brother is watching you.
Totodile: What are you talking about!?
[Latios’ head pops out of the ceiling.]
Latios: As the director of this fan work, I reserve the right to censor anything vulgar or suggestive. So please, for the sake of our younger fans, save your epithets and retorts for AFTER the show! . . .
[Latios withdraws his head.]
Togepi: That was scary—his head just popped out of the ceiling and went right back in!
Totodile: Anyway—I want a Triplex Burger with large garlic fries and a large peanut-butter shake, pronto!
Togepi: I’ll have a soft-boiled, sliced egg with a side of radishes . . . Hey! You’re my long-lost older sister!
Togetic: Indeed I am, crazy little brother. Please don’t go eating yourself again the way you did in The Madness of Vermilion City.
Togepi: I won’t, don’t worry about it. I was just so hungry! . . .
Togetic: Yes, yes . . . that will be 1,079 coins, please.
Totodile: Oh, no! I forgot to bring my wallet!
Togepi: The nice thing about being an egg is that you can always put things under your shell! [Gives money to Togetic.]
Totodile: I can’t help the fact that I don’t have pockets, you know.
Togepi: I like to rub things in.
[One minute later, they receive their food, and sit down.]
Togepi: Hey, Totodile. How come you ordered all that food?
Totodile: First of all, I’m quite hungry. Second, I want to play the Trainer Card Sticker Game.
Togepi: I see . . .
[Totodile pulls off the stickers from his food, and looks at them.]
Totodile: AAAAUGH! I won! I won!
[Everyone in the restaurant stops what they are doing to look at Togepi and Totodile.]
Togepi: Is this some kind of joke?
Totodile: No, no—look, I got the Hyper Potion, Super Potion, and Potion Trainer Card Stickers!
Togepi: And your point is? . . .
Totodile: I won the Mystery Vacation for six!
Togepi: Oh. I thought you won a year’s supply of deviled eggs.
Totodile: I wouldn’t mind a truckload of gourmet aged peanut butter. [Salivates.] Come on, let’s go and tell everyone about our prize!
Togepi: Do we have to?
Totodile: Don’t you want to go on the Mystery Vacation?
Togepi: I don’t know . . . does it hurt?
Totodile: Just come on! [Picks up everything, running out the door, leaving Togepi.]
Togepi: Wait for me! [Runs off, chasing Totodile.]
30 MINUTES LATER
[Pikachu, Togepi, Totodile, Treecko, Torchic, and Cyndaquil wait in line together at the biggest PokéBurger in Hoenn to redeem their prize.]
Pikachu: Torchic, why aren’t Bayleef and Charizard in this fanfic?
Torchic: They’re on strike.
Cyndaquil: Why on earth would they go on strike? They’ve got great benefits and high wages! Why wouldn’t they perform in a fanfic by Latios?
Treecko: They want the right to swear occasionally without getting censored.
Totodile: And they want to be able to poke fun at the Bush administration without getting yanked off stage.
Pikachu: But Latios is a registered Democrat.
Torchic: True, but he wouldn’t want his Republican audiences to get offended, now would he?
Pikachu: I guess not . . .
Cashier, a Nidorina: Welcome to PokéBurger. May I take your order?
Totodile: Actually, I’m here to redeem a prize.
Nidorina: I’ll call the manager in. [Calls for the manager, a Tyranitar, who inspects the stickers.]
Tyranitar: Congratulations! You’ll be the owners of your very own Mystery Vacation Passbooks that will get you into the best hotels and on the best flights, taxi rides, and up to 50% off all the greatest tourist attractions! You’ll also get 30% off dining at any restaurant—all for a whole week!
Treecko: Yes, but where do we get to go?
Tyranitar: It’s a mystery. . . I’ll get you your Passbooks just as soon as I have someone sign this form.
Totodile: “I, the undersigned _______, hereby declare under penalty of perjury that I am the sole redeemer of the said prize enumerated above, and that I understand all the duties and responsibilities (pages 1 and 2, et al.) declared herein.”
Pikachu: Just sign it, already! [Totodile signs the form.]
Tyranitar: All right! Here are your Passbooks! Enjoy your trip!
45 MINUTES LATER
[Pikachu and friends are waiting in line at the Lilycove City Airport to drop off their luggage and to pass through a security checkpoint.]
Togepi: I have a sudden urge for watermelon.
Torchic: That’s nice. We’ll be in the main plaza soon, and then you can stuff yourself to the gills with watermelon!
Togepi: No, I really need some watermelon, right now!
Cyndaquil: Togepi, just hold on! You can’t make a commotion here in the airport! The Pokémon are still jittery, even two years after 9/11 . . .
Togepi: I really want some watermelon! NOW!
Treecko: I have some watermelon-flavored chewing gum! . . .
Togepi: You evil heretic! How dare you degrade and disgrace the Holy Watermelon! Die, you Spawn of Strawberry!
[Togepi lunges at Treecko, pummeling him with his little arms, tackling him, and causing an incredible ruckus.]
Treecko: Hey, (ow) what’s the (ow ow ow) big idea!?
Togepi: NNNGH . . . UNNNH . . .
Pikachu: Get a hold of yourself!
Togepi: NEVER! AAAAAAGH! RRRGH! RRROARR! [Togepi runs around like a madman, bumping and smashing into other Pokémon, throwing himself against the luggage counters, and running past security. A security-guard Growlithe fires a tranquilizer dart at Togepi, but misses.]
Growlithe: [On radio communicator.] (KHGT)—Fiery Tiger to Fanged Terror! Infiltration of security just occurred at five o’clock; I ran out of darts! Corner the running Togepi foaming at the mouth! Over. (KHGT)—
Houndoom, 1000 feet away, on other line: (KHGT)—You got it! I’ll corner the little terrorist if it’s the last thing I ever do! [Cocks his dart-launcher.] Over. (KHGT)—
[Togepi continues to run, dripping foam at the mouth.]
Togepi: Thou Watermelon Sanctus, never shall I forsake Thee—[Togepi smashes into some sitting Pokémon at a flight gate, scattering a business-monster’s papers and plowing into a wall.] for Thou art my delicacy and my lusciousness, O Flesh of Crimson—[Togepi knocks over a display of oranges at a café.] Thou heretics! [Togepi smashes the oranges, hurling them against the windows, and stomping on them.] Vile Spawn of Strawberry! Feel the wrath of the Watermelon’s Saints, and burn for all—
[Three gunshots ring out the air, silenced by all the Pokémon gawking at the spectacle. Togepi slinks down, succumbing to the darts in his back.]
Togepi: . . . I have failed thee . . . O . . . Water . . . mel . . . mel . . . on . . .
15 MINUTES LATER
[Pikachu and friends sit at the back of a small room, except for Togepi, who is sitting at a table with the Chief of Airport Security, Arcanine.]
Arcanine: You, my boy, have just committed a federal crime. The minimum sentence is 10,000,000 coins and a year in the Hoenn National Prison.
Togepi: Thou temptress of the bloody Strawberry! Away!
Arcanine: He’s a blinking loony! What is he ranting and raving about!? . . . Is he presently on any kind of medication?
Treecko: No. He’s just crazy, and no one can figure out what the heck is wrong with him. I think he’s beyond anything a psychiatrist could prescribe.
Arcanine: Have you got any sort of identification for him?
Pikachu: Here’s his driver’s license. [Pikachu hands the license to Arcanine, who inspects it thoroughly.]
Arcanine: How on earth did he learn to drive?
Totodile: It’s a mystery . . . like the vacation we’re about to go on.
Arcanine: The way he acts, that’s downright scary!
THREE HOURS LATER
[Pikachu and friends walk down a hallway to their gate, with Togepi happily strutting, eating watermelon slices.]
Cyndaquil: We spent three full hours in there!
Pikachu: Yeah . . . Now I can’t wait to go on vacation. I thought she’d never let us go!
Totodile: It was only because Togepi started bawling and moaning about watermelons that that Arcanine broke down and gave him her expensive Moltres brand watermelon slices.
Treecko: And because I belted out the Pokémon theme song at the top of my lungs!
Totodile: She almost got you with her Flamethrower attack, you know. If I hadn’t been there to jump in front of you, you would have been—
Pikachu: Okay, okay, you braggarts. That’s enough!
Torchic: Ever the diplomat and reconciler of differences. That’s Pikachu.
Pikachu: Why, thank you! You are such a flatterer, Torchic.
Cyndaquil: There’s the gate!
Togepi: Mmm . . . sliced omelet . . . [Togepi slurps noisily.]
Treecko: Sorry to burst your bubble, but you’re eating watermelon.
Togepi: You . . . dare . . . omelet . . .
Pikachu: Togepi! I think you’re reading cue cards from Fun in Cyberspace!
Togepi: Egg . . . kill! [Launches himself at Pikachu and Treecko.]
Latios: CUT! Who messed up the cue cards!?
Cyndaquil: Hey, Latios, I like your French beret.
Togepi: I want one, too!
Torchic: How come you get a beret, and we don’t!?
Latios: Because I’m the director, and I can do (almost) anything I want! Who messed up the cue cards!?
Cyndaquil: You said that.
Latios: I KNOW I SAID THAT!
Pikachu: Ouch! [Pikachu rubs his ears.]
Latios: Sorry, Pikachu. I love you all, but where are the cards, already!? We can’t put on a fanfic without cue cards!
Mr. Mime, who was responsible for holding the cue cards: Mr. Director, sir, I used the improper print fixative!
Latios: You mean—
Mr. Mime: Yes. All the letters slid off the cards and onto the floor, making an utter pile of gibberish.
Latios: Well, I guess we’ll have to ad-lib this then. Such a shame we can’t have a coherent fanfic! . . .
Granbull, a minor character, sitting in an airport chair: Hey! Let’s get this show on the road!
Latios: Clichés are so pedestrian.
Granbull: I don’t care! I’m not going to sit on my [expletive] all day long while you argue with your stage crew!
Furret, also a minor character: Me neither!
Gloom, also a minor character: That does it! I’m joining Charizard and Bayleef!
Magmar, also a minor character: We’re going on strike!
[A tumult arises, but Latios intervenes.]
Latios: SILENCE! I’ll triple your wages for today!
[All minor characters slip back into place.]
Latios: That’s more like it.
Mr. Mime: “OUYAY UCKSAY IGBAY IMETAY, ATIOSLAY . . .”
Latios: I understand Pig Latin perfectly well! Quit messing with those letters!
[Mr. Mime sulks.]
Torchic and Cyndaquil: We want our French berets!
Latios: Here! Take them! [Latios tosses out two berets to Torchic and Cyndaquil, made of bright orange fabric.] All right, Pikachu, you take the lead!
Pikachu: All righty, then!
Treecko: What are you, Jim Carrey?
Latios: And action! (Clamp!)
Togepi: I want a beret too! [Togepi begins to flood tears.]
Latios: CUT! [Latios tosses down a beret to Togepi, with red and blue triangles on white fabric.] Can we get started, now?
Totodile: I’m hungry.
Treecko: I need to pay a visit to the little boys’ room.
Cyndaquil: Can I call my girlfriend?
Latios: It’s “MAY I call my girlfriend?”
Cyndaquil: I really don’t care.
[Latios, obviously frustrated, buries his head in his hand, waving at everyone to go and do their business. A few minutes later, Latios begins again.]
Latios: And action! (Clamp!)
[Pikachu and friends approach the gate to board the airplane. They show their Passbooks, and walk inside. They sit down: Pikachu reads Lord-Master William Oak’s Three Treatises on the condition of Trayners in Newe-Bloato and Ho-enn,” Treecko blows bubbles with his watermelon gum, Totodile watches the small television built into the seat in front of him, Torchic looks out the window, Cyndaquil discreetly roasts marshmallows so he can have s’mores, and Togepi is engrossed in playing Pokémon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire.]
Absol, a stewardess: Welcome aboard the Mystery Flight, courtesy of Charizard Airlines . . . we ask that you please turn off all electronic devices until the pilot says otherwise, and now, for your security, we will view the tremendously dull safety information video. Enjoy!
[Togepi switches off his Game Boy® Advance, and the video comes on.]
Totodile: Aw! I’m going to miss the bedroom scene!
Torchic: You sicko!
Treecko: What are you watching, anyway?
Totodile: Romeo & Juliet. Is that a problem?
Treecko: No, I just didn’t know you liked Shakespeare.
Totodile: To be!—or—not to be! [Sighs.] That is the question! Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind—
Treecko: But soft! What light through yon window break? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun . . .
Totodile: Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble . . .
Torchic: I wish I had brought my Discman® . . .
Video Announcer: . . . Remember, your seat cushion also doubles as a flotation device should the airplane crash at sea . . .
Torchic: Oooh, wow! There’s a set of headphones and an MP3 player in the back of this seat! [The video ends, and Torchic begins listening.]
Togepi: Yay! That was the best film I’ve ever seen! [Togepi applauds noisily as everyone stares.] I give that nine stars out of four! This will be the highest-grossing movie—
Absol: Um, thank you. We will now be giving out our complimentary beverages and snacks. [She and the other stewardesses begin handing out the goods to the hungry Pokémon.]
Togepi: [Togepi rips open five bags of peanuts at once, and swallows their contents whole.] Yummy! Omelet with soft-boiled sliced egg . . . and ketchup!
Pikachu: [Pikachu looks up from his book.] “Wherefore it hath proven that the said Pokémon is a savage brute, I hereby pledge my honor to civilizing and Christianizing this ungodly heathen!”
Cyndaquil: [Through a mouthful of s’mores.] You read that too much. Why don’t you try a round of Trance Trance Evolution?
Pikachu: I do NOT read this too much. I was being a smart aleck, for your information. Let’s play! [Pikachu and Cyndaquil hook up a Gamecube® to the television in a seat-back.] I choose the music this time!
Cyndaquil: Let me guess . . . Paul Oakenfold, right?
Pikachu: Well, duh! He’s like, the world’s greatest disc jockey!
Cyndaquil: Maybe that will be Torchic’s claim to fame. [Cyndaquil motions to Torchic, jamming in his seat to the MP3 player.] After this round, I’m going to choose Kylie Minogue.
Pikachu: You do that. [Grits his teeth.] Rrgh . . . victory shall be mine!
Delibird, the pilot, over the intercom: Thank you for waiting—we’ve been cleared to take off, so all you folks can resume playing your GBAs and yakking on your cell phones. [A storm of devices being turned on ensues.] We thank you for flying with us; please fasten your seatbelts, and we’ll be taking off! [The jet engines begin to rev up, and the airplane takes off after rolling down the runway.]
FIVE HOURS LATER
Treecko: MAN, this flight is long. When are we due at the Mystery Destination? I’m all out of watermelon gum.
Totodile: Not for another three hours, I think. And that’s just assuming there are no monsoons or pirate raids.
Treecko: Pirate raids!?
Totodile: Yes, pirate raids. We’re now beyond latitude 37°, and we’re heading south, so we’ll be deep in pirate territory.
Treecko: [Gulps.] Am I the only one who wants out of this fic?
[Torchic takes off his headphones and looks out the window when he sees four stealth craft, painted black-and-gray, approach the jet.]
Delibird: Everyone duck for cover! Star Mightyena is targeting us!
[Pandemonium ensues as everyone screams and yells, curling between the seats to avoid the glass shards from the windows, broken by the sonic boom of the stealth craft.]
Delibird: We’ll be making an emergency landing now! Please turn off ALL electronic devices! [The televisions and MP3 players cut out.]
Pikachu: [To Cyndaquil.] There goes our high scores! I really wish we had saved the game . . .
[After the jet lands, the stealth craft land as well. Star Grumpig disembarks from his craft, ordering everyone out of the jet after clambering up the stairs.]
Star Grumpig: In the name of our dread sovereign, Lord Kadabross, we hereby submit this copy of our license to plunder before the candid intruders! [Star Grumpig drops the license copy on the floor.]
Torchic: [From under the seat.] Robbery is robbery, sanctioned or punished by the state!
Star Grumpig: You all have exactly 30 seconds to get off the plane before I start getting mean! Get going! [Everyone takes what he can, and leaps out of the side door and down the stairs to the grassy field below.] Hah! What a bunch of sissies!
LATER THAT NIGHT
[After all the other Pokémon have dispersed and gone their own ways, long after the airplane was taken away to Kadabross’ base on the planet Poison, Pikachu and friends trudge their way uphill from the lush seaside to an exotic city, dubbed with a very unique name . . .]
Treecko: Mystery Vacation City!?
Togepi: Are we there yet?
Cyndaquil: Are we having fun yet?
Totodile: When are we going to eat?
Torchic: Where will we sleep?
Pikachu: Enough with your annoying questions, already! The gatekeeper will tell us! [Points to an Umbreon sitting in a beach chair, playing her GBA SP in the navy-blue, fully moonlit night.]
Umbreon: May I help you? [Yawns.]
Pikachu: Yes! Please do! Our plane was seized by that—if I say what I’m thinking I’ll get censored—Star Mightyena and his cronies! I can’t stand that dastardly Star Grumpig who made us leave our plane on this God-forsaken island—I’ll make sure to eat pork at every meal from this night forward!
Umbreon: First of all, don’t ridicule Star Mightyena. He just so happens to be my half-brother.
Totodile: You take pride in being his blood relative?
Umbreon: You have to admit, even though he steals and lies through his fangs, he is a very dashing Pokémon and exceptionally brave. Why, there was the time he got smashed into the ground by Mr. Pie—
Cyndaquil: Okay, but we really need help—
Umbreon: Hey, don’t interrupt another Pokémon when she’s talking. Oh, yes, and this island is far from God-forsaken: there are over 300 churches, synagogues, mosques, and temples to worship at—
Pikachu: Come on, let’s go. [Pikachu and friends walk away.]
Umbreon: Hold it! You’ve got to pay the toll if you want to get through! That’s how the city makes money, after all . . .
Torchic: How much is it?
Umbreon: 10,000 coins per Pokémon, and just 4,000 for the little bugger over there. [Points to Togepi.]
Togepi: Why, thank you!
Umbreon: [Casts Togepi a confused look.] Are you going to pay the toll, or not? [Umbreon reaches out a paw.]
Togepi: [Reaches into his shell, digging out some money.] Oh, shoot, I don’t have enough . . . wait, yes, I do! We have our Mystery Vacation Passbooks. [Pikachu and friends show Umbreon their Passbooks.]
Umbreon: Well then, it’s free. Go on ahead. Have a great time.
Pikachu and Friends: Thank you! [Pikachu and friends wave goodbye.]
TEN MINUTES LATER
[Pikachu and friends walk down a thoroughfare in downtown Mystery Vacation City, staring, goggle-eyed, at all the sights: the buildings, the shop windows, and the Pokémon, as well as some other odd sights . . .]
Togepi: Look, it’s a flying omelet!
Totodile: How can these shops be open 36 hours a day, nine days a week?
Pikachu: I think they have a different calendar system, Totodile.
Treecko: Is it just me, or is that chimney belching donuts?
Cyndaquil: AIEE! It’s a giant shoe! [A ten-story shoe comes stomping down an empty street, stopping before an enormous piano, twelve stories tall.]
Torchic: It kind of resembles a Pokémon battle—look, the shoe is stomping on the piano! [Random notes pour from the piano.] Oh, now the piano has a death grip on the shoe—ooh, the strings are getting tangled around the hammers!
Togepi: Yea! Go Watermelons!
Pikachu: What is it with him and watermelons? . . .
Togepi: Yeah! The watermelon’s winning! [The piano hurls the shoe toward the magenta-colored moon.]
Haunter, a sportscaster: Madame Shoe is unable to battle! (Well duh, she’s on the moon!) Monsieur Piano wins the battle!
[A burst of applause and cheering explodes from the Pokémon on one side of the street (the Piano fans), while the Pokémon on the other side of the street (the Shoe fans), begin to give their rivals enraged looks. The latter marches over to the other side, engaging in a street brawl. Soon, everyone is fighting everyone else—even their fellow fans!]
Pikachu: Run, get off the street! [Pikachu and friends run into a nearby department store, with the exception of Togepi.]
Togepi: Yay! Fight! Fight! [A chimney suddenly belches biscuits after pouring out clouds of yellow smoke.] Biscuits! Yay! [Totodile drags Togepi inside.]
Totodile: Come on! You’ll get yourself killed!
[Pikachu and friends sit down to rest, catching their breath after the shock of seeing thousands of Pokémon participate not in orderly, civilized battles, but a full-scale street fight.]
Treecko: Did I ever mention that I want out of this fic?
Torchic: Yes, you did. Say, why was the moon magenta of all colors? Why couldn’t it have been orange, like moi?
Cyndaquil: It must have been the Nine Vertical Pies!
Torchic: No kidding?
Cyndaquil: It says so in this book I read a while back: A Study of the Strange Inverted Confections: A Treatise on the History of the Nine Vertical Pies by Professor Samuel D. Oak. It actually became a number-one bestseller on The New Bark Times Book Review section! The part I liked best was—
Pikachu: This isn’t the time for book reports! You can do that in any blinking elementary school class!
[Suddenly, 200 Pokémon filter into the lobby where Pikachu and friends are sitting, spinning around wildly, and screaming, “hoo-hoo-hoo . . . hah-hah-hah . . . hoo-hoo-hoo . . . hah-hah-hah . . .” at the top of their lungs.]
Treecko: Well, I’ll be—it’s a flash mob.
Togepi: What’s a flash mob?
Totodile: It’s where a bunch of people—or in this case, Pokémon—get together by e-mail to meet as one unit to perform something silly in a public place, and then disperse after a few minutes.
[After Pikachu and friends gawk at the flash mob for exactly four minutes, the mob dissipates into the night. Suddenly, a bright light shines from the ceiling, and an enormous squid comes down from the light. Floating, it spits out a purple bus, which comes crashing down on the marble floor. The squid turns into a man in Elizabethan clothes, complete with a trumpet and a feathered hat.]
Man: [Plays trumpet briefly.] Announcing the arrival of Isaac from Golden Sun, Super Mario, and Sonic the Hedgehog!
[Isaac, Mario, and Sonic jump off of the bus. The bus suddenly turns into a rubber ball, and bounces up into the light, where it disappears, along with the light. The man puts his trumpet on his head, and runs out the door, screaming,
Man: I did it! I did it! Now I can get my degree in trumpetology and irritateology! Wahoo! Yi-hah!
Isaac: [Approaches Pikachu and friends.] You’re monsters! [Isaac draws his sword.] You I must slay in the name of Sol Sanctum!
Mario: [Approaches Treecko and Totodile.] What are you, mon, the eighth and ninth Koopa Kids?
Sonic: [Approaches Pikachu and Cyndaquil.] You are absolutely pitiful impostors of me. You might be rodents, but you don’t have the need . . . for SPEED! [Sonic runs circles around them.]
Isaac: Draw! Draw if you be men! [Isaac points his sword at Pikachu and friends.]
Pikachu: But you just said we’re monsters, and we are—
Isaac: I must kill you! [Isaac lunges at Pikachu and friends, who defend themselves with Thunderbolt, Flamethrower, Razor Leaf, Hydro Pump, and Metronome before he can harm them.]
Pikachu: —and we are monsters, but not just any old monsters. We’re Pocket Monsters!
Isaac: [Burnt to a crisp, with electric sparks traveling through his hair.] How do I know you’re not just regular old monsters!? [Isaac swings his sword wildly around at them, as they run away from the insane Adept, who chases them.]
Pikachu: We’re talking to you, right!?
Isaac: How do I know you’re not talking monsters!?
Togepi: Because we’re so cute!
Isaac: How do I know you’re not cute, talking monsters!?
Treecko: We don’t know what a Sol Sanctum is!
Torchic: And many of our kind live in Pokéballs!
Cyndaquil: And Satoshi Tajiri created us!
Isaac: How do I know you’re not—[Isaac suddenly stops, screaming,] I love you all! [Drops his sword.] You are so cute! Let me hug you! [Pikachu shocks him again.] I’m melting . . . slowly melting . . . [Isaac transforms into a Ditto.]
[Mario and Sonic suddenly begin to dance the tango, singing the Super Mario Bros. Super Show Song:]
Mario and Sonic: . . . Swing your arms from side to side/Come on, everybody/Do the Mario! . . .
[The Power Rangers plow through the windows with Megazord’s fist, and dive through the hole in the glass, promptly commencing an elaborate break-dancing routine. Next, Timon and Pumbaa from The Lion King charge in, painted totally gray, wearing gray sunglasses and gray jackets, moving jerkily, like robots. Finally, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy dash in, dressed in full military uniform and firing their AK-47s into the ground, shards of marble flying everywhere.]
Torchic: I’d say we’d better leave . . . NOW.
Cyndaquil: Me, too.
[Pikachu and friends run up the escalator to the main plaza, where they get pulled into a black hole that appeared for absolutely no apparent reason.]
Togepi: Waaah! I’m scared of the dark!
Totodile: Oh, be quiet, you big baby!
[Pikachu and friends, after hurtling through dimensions at over 1,000 miles per hour, land in a pixilated world.]
Pikachu: Wow, where are we?
Treecko: [Looks at his hands.] AAAAAUGH! My hands! . . . They’re 8-bit hands!
Totodile: Look, all of us are 8-bit now!
[Pikachu and friends scream noisily, then look around. They walk in one direction, then bump into a brick wall.]
Cyndaquil: Look, up in the sky! [A large, purple block is about to land on them, but they run out of the way in the nick of time.] What’s going on?
Torchic: Look, another green block! This one is differently shaped! [The block slams down next to them.]
Togepi: Oh, no! We’re stuck in an NES game of Tetris™! [Everyone else stares at him.] What?
Treecko: That . . . that’s the first time you’ve actually said something that made sense!
Togepi: No kidding . . . really?
Torchic: Yes, Togepi. [Togepi bursts out laughing.] What is it?
Togepi: I (ha ha ha) have the (ha ha ha ha) greatest joke (ah ha) the greatest joke ever!
Cyndaquil: Let’s hear it!
Togepi: What is yellow and goes, “click, click?”
Totodile: I don’t know. What is yellow and goes, “click, click,” anyway?
Togepi: A ballpoint banana! [Laughs even harder.]
Pikachu: Rats. For a minute, I thought he turned a new leaf and became sane for once in his life.
Treecko: Words cannot describe how unfunny that joke is.
Togepi: Here’s another one: What is red and white and goes: Poppity pock pock blam pockity blam blam pock pock blam pockity blam pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity pockity blam pockity pockity?
Torchic: What, pray tell? [Another block falls into place.]
Pikachu: Oh, I know! A coughing Pokéball!
Togepi: No, it’s an outboard radish! [Totally possessed by laughter.] And, if you want more of these hilarious jokes, just pick up a copy of Elephants, Grapes, and Pickles, ladies and gentlemen! You’ll split your gut laughing! [Another block falls into place.]
Cyndaquil: Yes, but what’s funny about that?
Treecko: Are you crazy, or something?
Togepi: The introduction to Elephants, Grapes, and Pickles is as follows: “People [or, in this case, Pokémon] who, on being told any of the jokes in [the said] book, make remarks such as: ‘What’s funny about that?’ or ‘Are you crazy, or something?’ are below average in everything and never get invited anywhere. THINK THAT OVER.” [Another block falls into place.] Hah! In your face! [Sticks out his tongue at them.]
Treecko: [Sounding urgent.] Uh, guys? . . .
Everyone but Treecko: What?
Treecko: [Points up and to the right.] We’re in deep doo-doo now!
Totodile: AAAUGH! THEY’RE GOING TO GET A PERFECT TETRIS™! CLIMB TO THE TOP!
Togepi: Not to worry! . . .
Cyndaquil: Not to worry!? What are you talking about? There’s a gap that’s exactly one box high and four boxes high! We have to climb up, now, before the beam-style block crushes us!
Torchic: Yeah, but we’ll never be able to scale something that tall! Oh, what to do? . . .
[The beam-style block rushes down with breathtaking speed.]
Everyone except Togepi: AAAAAAAUGH! We’re all gonna die!
[Togepi uses his Metronome attack, and, miraculously, the block stops one box above them.]
Pikachu: . . . Are we dead?
[Togepi slaps Pikachu with a resounding echo.]
Pikachu: What was that for!?
Togepi: My hand didn’t go through you. Therefore, we are not ghosts, and consequently, we have not died. [Pikachu and friends hug Togepi tightly.] Oooh, . . . don’t suffocate me!
Pikachu: Do you realize you just saved us all?
Totodile: You’re a hero! I never thought you could do anything besides causing us trouble all the time!
Treecko: I love you, man!
[Pikachu and friends release Togepi.]
Cyndaquil: Okay, so we’re trapped in a 2-dimensional prison, where we stay as pitiful 8-bit manifestations of our true selves. How do we get out?
Torchic: Any ideas? . . . [Digital 8-bit cricket cries ensue.] I guess not . . .[Torchic sighs, and everyone else does the same.]
Treecko: If we don’t get out of here fast, I will scream.
Pikachu: Why, Treecko?
Treecko: BECAUSE I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC AND I CAN’T STAND TO BE CRAMMED IN A LITTLE PLACE WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER POKÉMON!
Cyndaquil: Treecko, you must calm down! Take a deep breath . . . [Treecko breathes deeply.] And exhale. [Treecko exhales, the cycle is repeated over and over, until Totodile shouts,]
Totodile: What are you doing, Cyndaquil!? He’ll suck up all the air in this little space!
Torchic: Oh, I’m starting to feel faint . . . must stay awake . . .
Cyndaquil: Me . . . too . . .
Pikachu: Oh, no, that’s right! Fire-types need extra oxygen so that their internal flames can continue to burn! We need to get out of here somehow! [Pikachu frowns.] All right, that does it!
[Pikachu hoists Togepi by the legs, shaking him up and down, so that all the items in his shell fall out.]
Togepi: Whoa-whoa-whoa—what’s the big idea!?
Pikachu: You must have something that will get us out of here alive!
[More things fall out, until a plastic bag of strangely-colored powder drops to the floor.]
Totodile: [Totodile gasps.] We’re saved!
Pikachu: What are you talking about? [Pikachu stops shaking Togepi.]
Totodile: This, my friend, is a bag of Floo Powder!
[Cyndaquil and Torchic faint, and Treecko attempts to resuscitate them.]
Pikachu: What’s so special about it?
Totodile: You can use it to transport yourself anywhere you want . . . so long as it’s on the Floo List! [Totodile produces a scroll of parchment with text on it, written by hand with a quill and ink.]
Treecko: [Treecko looks up from Cyndaquil and Torchic.] Don’t you need to use that stuff in a fireplace?
Totodile: In a pinch, you can use it just about anywhere, as long as it’s a small, enclosed space.
Pikachu: How do you know about this? [Pikachu releases Togepi from his grip.]
Togepi: [Togepi wanders away from Pikachu and toward the Floo Powder, opening the bag.] WOW! It’s been ages since I’ve played with this stuff! [Togepi picks up some of the Powder.]
Totodile: I read Basic Wizardry for Muggles: Magic that any Idiot can Use.
Togepi: The Yellow Submarine! [Togepi throws down a handful of Powder, and everyone vanishes in a burst of green flames, where they reappear aboard the Yellow Submarine.]
Treecko: Well, this is a little bit bigger. But it’s a SUBMARINE, for crying out loud! This is only about twice as large as the enclosed space in the Tetris™ game! I prefer large, open spaces!
Pikachu: At least we’re not 8-bit anymore.
Totodile: Yeah, but now we’re colored all strangely.
Togepi: What was I thinking?
Treecko: Evidently, you never do.
Togepi: [To Treecko.] Shut up! I meant that this is even worse than being 8-bit! You want open space, you got it! [Togepi takes another handful of Powder, and poises to throw it on the ground.]
Pikachu: No! Let’s all decide where we’re going! [Togepi sulks.]
Torchic and Cyndaquil: Huh? Where are we? . . .
[Suddenly, the animated Ringo Starr appears, taken aback by Pikachu and friends.]
Ringo Starr: AAAAUGH!
Pikachu and Friends: AIIIEE!
Ringo Starr: [Pulls out a hole that he took from the Sea of Holes.] Stand back! I’ve got a hole in me pocket, and I’m not afraid to use it!
Cyndaquil: We’re not affiliated with the Blue Meanies! We come in peace!
Ringo Starr: Clichés are so pedestrian.
Torchic: Hey . . . Latios said that, too!
Ringo Starr: Who’s Latios?
Togepi: The President of the United States!
Pikachu: Togepi! [Glances angrily at Togepi.] He’s actually the director of this fanfic, but now we have to ad-lib everything.
Ringo Starr: Oh, I’m not going insane! Richard Nixon is the President, after all! . . .
Togepi: Do you like my French beret?
Ringo Starr: Um, yes, it’s very unique!
Togepi: Is that all you have to say about my impeccable taste in fashion!?
Totodile: What did that have to do with anything?
Togepi: That does it! [Togepi prepares to throw his Powder.]
Everyone except Togepi and Ringo Starr: NO! DON’T!
Togepi: You can’t stop me!
Pikachu: Oh, yes I can! [Pikachu lunges at Togepi, who hops out of the way.]
Togepi: Temper, temper! [Togepi prepares to throw the Powder once again.]
Everyone except Togepi and Ringo Starr: NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Togepi: Barney’s Neighborhood! [Togepi throws down the Powder, and everyone, Ringo Starr included, vanishes in a burst of green flames, reappearing in a darkened suburban elementary-school classroom.]
Ringo Starr: Where are we?
Treecko: Togepi! You brought him with us?
Togepi: Hey, Ringo’s cool!
Cyndaquil: Oh, yeah. He’s real cool—he can’t even keep a tune!
Togepi: But his drumming is, like, totally awesome, dude!
Pikachu: Don’t you think it would be more polite to help him get back home? He never asked to come with us, you know.
Torchic: But we’ll use up the last of our Floo Powder! And then we’ll be stuck here for the rest our lives!
Totodile: Don’t worry, I can make some more. I memorized the recipe for Floo Powder, if you can believe that.
Pikachu: [Pikachu snatches the bag from Togepi, and hands it to Ringo Starr.] Here, crawl under that table, and say, “The Yellow Submarine.” Then, throw the Powder on the floor, and you’ll be transported there.
Ringo Starr: Right, then! [Crawls under the table.] The Yellow Limousine! [Throws the Powder, and disappears.]
Pikachu: Well, we can’t say we didn’t try to help him.
[Barney and the children open the door and turn on the lights.]
Pikachu and Friends: Oh, no!
[The children run up to Pikachu and friends, and begin to pet them and play with them.]
Pikachu: [Getting stroked by a little girl.] Pika, pika chu! (Translation: Oh, just a little bit lower . . .)
[Pikachu’s friends also speak in Pokémon language as well, to avoid frightening the children by speaking English. However, Togepi messes up . . .]
Togepi: Hey! Don’t reach inside my shell!
[The children all turn around to look at Togepi.]
Togepi: Uh . . . heh heh . . . Togi, togi! Pi!
Barney: [Leaps up to the ceiling, floating.] You! I know you! You are the evil terrorist, George W. Bush!
Latios: CUT! Kadabra, you know the rules! No poking fun at the Bush administration! In these difficult times, Pokémon needs the support of all its fans, be they liberal, moderate, or conservative! We can’t afford to offend our GOP fans!
Kadabra: [Takes off the head on his Barney suit, still floating.] But . . . I’M INSANE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!
Latios: I am terribly sorry, but this is not a satirical work. It’s an insane fanfic meant to be funny in and of itself. If you want to poke fun at politics, write a Pokémon Conspiracy Theory and send it to Butterfree!
Kadabra: [Points his spoon at Latios.] Foolish mortal!
Latios: If you leave now, I won’t have to fire you!
Kadabra: Wow! What a deal! [Kadabra teleports from the stage.]
Latios: Pokémon these days . . . and action! (Clamp!)
[The children resume interacting with Pikachu and friends, until another Barney walks in with a French beret and an accent to match.]
Barney: [To Torchic, Cyndaquil, and Togepi.] ¿Parlez vous francais?
Barney: Aha. And vere is Monsieur Hannah Banana?
Togepi: You . . . dare . . . beret . . .
Barney: [Laughs condescendingly.] Vy should I bother with a trifling beast such az zees?
Togepi: Beast . . . kill! [Togepi launches himself at Barney, tearing off his head, to reveal James of Team Rocket.]
James: Hey! I know you! You’re my grandma!
Togepi: I am NOT your grandma!
James: Give your grandson a big smackeroo! [James kisses Togepi.]
Togepi: Yuck! [Togepi wipes off his lips.] I thought I was crazy . . .
James: Did you bring a present for me, Grandma? Did you? Did you? Did you? Huh huh huh? Well did you? Oooh, I hope it’s a big, shiny fire truck with all the bells and whistles! [Runs around wildly, imitating a fire engine’s siren.] Oh, no, there’s a fire! I must put it out! [James grabs a bottle of water, and dumps the contents on a little boy, running away from him.]
Boy: Hey, what did you do that for!?
A Little Girl: I think “Barney’s” flipped.
An Older Girl: I think “flipped” is an understatement. [James plows into the toy stove, tripping and knocking all the plastic cans of “food” and the plastic “pantry” over.] A gross understatement, at that.
James: [Jumping around on one foot.] Hickory dickory dock! The Pikachu ran up the clock! The clock struck three, Pikachu went “whee!,” hickory dickory dock!
Pikachu: Pika, pika chu, chu pi! (Translation: What do you have against Pikachus?) Pika chu, pi chu pika! (Are you implying that I like to fart?)
James: [Suddenly stops jumping.] Hey! It’s three o’clock! Time for a cookie! [Spins around rapidly.] Cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie [James falls out the window.] WAAAUGH! COOKIE! [Falls on the autumn grass, littered with dead leaves.] That didn’t hurt! [Runs away from the school with leaves in his hair and dirt all over his Barney suit.] Yeah! No more school! Cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie-cookie! COOKIE-COOKIE!
Older Girl: [Shaking her head.] Mmm-mmm-mmm . . .
ONE HOUR LATER
[After playing with Pikachu and friends for a while, the children all walk home, waving goodbye.]
Togepi: They took our berets!
Cyndaquil: I think they look better on the little girls, anyway.
Togepi: Are you implying that I look better naked!?
Torchic: Let’s not go there, all right?
Totodile: Where do you want to go, then?
Treecko: How about out of this fic?
Pikachu: We’re not out of this fic until Latios says we are! In the meantime, Totodile can make a fresh batch of Floo Powder.
Totodile: [Shows them a bunch of leaves, grasses, berries, and sand mixed in a small hole in the ground.] I’ve got almost everything I need. The only things I’m missing are a phoenix’s feather and the tears of a dragon.
Treecko: Where will we get this stuff?
Totodile: Stand over the pit and think of something sad.
Treecko: I’m not a dragon! I’m a gecko!
Totodile: You’re our only hope right now. You want out of this fanfic, don’t you? [Treecko thinks of being stuck forever in Barney’s Neighborhood, and quickly floods tears into the hole.] Whoa! When I said I wanted tears, I didn’t mean a whole lake! [Treecko dries his eyes.] Don’t worry, it’ll still work! Torchic! Let me have one of your feathers!
Torchic: Here, it’s molting season for me, anyway. [Torchic hands Totodile one of his feathers, freshly plucked from his head.]
Totodile: Now, I need you and Cyndaquil to burn off the liquid. [Torchic and Cyndaquil use Flamethrower on the pit.] Domineo, ovinteo, sacramentum eao deo, sacramentum ovinteo, eao deo . . .
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Totodile: All right! We have a new batch of Floo Powder!
Pikachu: What was all that Latin you were chanting?
Totodile: Just some words to make the Powder work effectively. If I didn’t say the chant, it would take a full day to go where you wanted to go. By chanting, the Powder works immediately. I have no idea what they mean, though. Thank you all for helping me out!
[Totodile scoops up the Powder, places it in a new bag, and uses a handful to get everyone back to Hoenn.]
Treecko: Hey, I guess I’m a dragon, after all!
Torchic: And I’m a phoenix!
Treecko and Torchic: Awesome . . .
Togepi: That was, quite possibly, the world’s weirdest vacation!
Everyone except Togepi: DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! No kidding!
Latios: CUT! All right, folks, you’re out of this fic.
Treecko: I have wanted to hear those words for so long! [Treecko runs away.]
Pikachu: [Calling out.] You’re not alone, Treecko! Wait for us! [Pikachu and friends chase after Treecko, out of the movie studio, and into the orange and red sky, glimmering with the purple haze of dusk.]
Author’s Note: There is such a book as Elephants, Grapes, and Pickles, and it happens to be one of my very favorite joke books. I actually quoted Togepi’s jokes and Togepi’s introduction almost verbatim in this story. I especially enjoyed telling them to my friends in my Ceramics class—one person got the jokes! If you want to get it for yourself, though, you might have a hard time finding it; it was printed in 1964 by Pocket Books. Thanks for reading my fan fiction!