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Disclaimer: Believe me, if I owned Pokémon, every episode would feature pies taking over the world, birds of death, bowls of cabbage soup with IQs of 10000 and the metric system. Be grateful I don’t own it!
Dedication: To Mewkitty, you truly have the best site ever (flatterer!) And Sarah the Swinub.
Nutritional information: Contains 101% of your daily-recommended amount of insanity.
Authors’ notes: Now, I don’t know about America, or wherever else you might live, but recently there have been these shows on TV. Now I don’t watch TV since they stopped showing Pokémon, but from what I understand, they involve having celebrities being but through tortures such as eating maggots and such like in a desperate attempt to save their failing careers. I don’t think too highly of them. Anyway, last week Sarah and my Religion teacher were explaining to me what happens during these shows. The idea clicked, and I have come up with this abomination of a story. Oh, this has (drum roll please) some Ruby/Sapphire Pokies in! And the usual starters/ones that everyone knows aaand… a Swinub, demanded by… well take three wild guesses. Enjoy!
Dannichu: Hi peoples, and welcome to this years’ edition of Pokémon Survivor. The contestants have been split into two tribes, Ruby and Sapphire (now aren’t they original?),and have been placed on a tropical island since yesterday. Let’s look in on them and see how they’re doing, shall we?
(Dawn on a tropical island. Treeko steps out of his tent made of leaved and looks around. The rest of the Sapphire team are gathered around a small fire eating breakfast)
Bulbasaur: How’d you sleep?
Treeko: Not too well, my pillow was all squished up.
Squirtle: Hey, how come you get a pillow?
Treeko: I…urr… stole it from Dannichu.
Dannichu: (glares at Treeko and then goes into tent and snatched pillow) Hey you, new Pokémon, let me remind you that I can do anything I want to you, I’m the author, so you’d better behave.
Chikorita: *yawn* I’m so tired! The ground was so bumpy!
Torchic: Yeah, I’ll bet Sapphire got the really comfy ground.
Cyndaquil: Yeah, just ‘cause Dannichu likes Pikachu best, we get landed with the rocky, stony ground.
Chikorita: So, what’s for breakfast?
Charmander: Croissants and marmalade with a rasher of bacon and a glass of orange juice.
Mudkip: No, we have seaweed in warm water.
Chikorita: Oh joy. Suddenly I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll go get cleaned up.
Swinub: Have fun.
(Chikorita heads off to the makeshift shower, a stick hut with a bamboo tube running from the ocean)
Mudkip: Shouldn’t we tell her that that Meowth’s already using it?
Swinub: (evil grin) Now, what fun would that be?
(a few minutes later…)
(Chikorita comes running from the jungle, her face as white as a sheet, screaming)
Chikorita: Why didn’t you tell me Meowth was using it?!
Mudkip: Not to sound sick here, but why does it matter? Meowth never wears clothes anyway!
Chikorita: That’s beside the point! I’ll kill you!!!
Pichu: How much longer till the first challenge?
Squirtle: Shouldn’t be too much longer. Dannichu said it was set to happen around three.
Togepi: What time is it now?
Pikachu: Good question. Anyone have a watch?
Totodile: Nope. I left mine at home.
Treeko: Same here.
Bulbasaur: I’m sure Dannichu’ll tell us when it begins.
Togepi: How’d you know?
Bulbasaur: This team has Pikachu on, for crying out loud! And Totodile, Pichu, you and Treeko! All her favorites! How can we not win!?
(Everyone on the Ruby team is listening through an old bamboo tube to every word)
Mudkip: I can’t believe this! They’re obviously gonna win!
Meowth: They’re cheating!
Cyndaquil: That does it! I’m out of this fic!
Dannichu: Oh, no, you don’t!
Cyndaquil: And why shouldn’t I go?
Dannichu: Or I’ll make a new fic with all kinds of torturous things in, all for you!
Cyndaquil: You know I hate you, don’t you?
Dannichu: I gathered. Hey! It’s nearly three! I’d better go set the first challenge!
Dannichu: (Yells) Everyone!!! The first challenge is about to begin!!!
Pikachu: What is it?
Dannichu: The challenge for today will be to suck out all the liquid from these bowls (produces two bowls filled with a reeking brown liquid). Whoever sucks the most in one minute will be our winner and will gain immunity. The other team will have to vote someone off the island.
Bulbasaur: Heartbreaking as that sounds; what the HECK is in those bowls?!
Dannichu: Oh, this and that. Don’t worry, it’s all perfectly safe.
Pichu: (sniffs bowl) Safe?
Dannichu: Yeah, safe!
Squirtle: I don’t believe you! I’m now touching that stuff!
Dannichu: Sheesh! To show you how safe it is, I’ll get Sarah the Swinub to try it!
Sarah: Tempting as it sounds to eat a bowlful of suspicious brown goop, I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.
Butterfree: Who? Me? No way!
Mewkitty: Yuck! No!
Zizzo: No way!
Dannichu: Sheesh! It’s FINE all right!?
Mudkip: Then why don’t you prove it by eating some!?
Dannichu: Because…I…uh…have an allergy!!!
Sarah: Dannichu! All you’re allergic to is cats!
Dannichu: Yes… and it has cat in it!
Everyone: (Backs away)
Dannichu: No, not really. It’s fine. Honestly. All it is is… brown colored icing sugar!
Totodile: Sure doesn’t look like icing sugar…
Dannichu: (loudly) ANYWAY, the teams all select someone to come and suck all the…icing sugar… out of the bowl. The Pokémon that sucks the most in one minute is the winner and the other team will have to vote someone off the island.
Treeko: So for this we need someone who can…suck…
Togepi: I suck!
Bulbasaur: We all know you do, Togepi. But we need to win this.
Totodile: I would, but I really don’t like the look of that goo.
Pikachu: All right. Who thinks that they could do a good job of this?!
(nobody raises hand)
Pikachu: …Okay, who thinks they could do a reasonably good job at this?(nobody raises hand)
Pikachu: Grrr… Who thinks that they could DO this?!!
(nobody raises hand)
Pikachu: Oh, for the love of pie, Bulbasaur, you’re doing it!!!
Bulbasaur: Gah! Why me?!
Pichu: Isn’t it obvious? Your name’s first alphabetically!
Togepi: How could you have not noticed it?!
Bulbasaur: (mutters something that sounds suspiciously like ‘urge to kill…rising…’)
Dannichu: So the Sapphire team have selected Bulbasaur. Who will be chosen by the Ruby team?
Torchic: So, who will we pick?
Swinub: Not me!
Meowth: Why not you rather than anyone else?
Swinub: Simple. I have no mouth.
Cyndaquil: How can you talk then?!
Swinub: You have no eyes. How can you see?
Cyndaquil: You have no eyes either!!!
Swinub: Have you ever seen a picture of a Swinub with a mouth? No. Therefore I can’t eat goop. My deepest regrets.
Mudkip: Sheesh…I’ll do it!
Charmander: Really?! Why?!
Mudkip: Hey, I swim in swamps all the time. A little bit of mud in my system aint gonna kill me.
Dannichu: All right then! Bulbasaur versus Mudkip! Let the…sucking begin!!!
(Mudkip and Bulbasaur begin drinking the goop. Bulbasaur takes one sip and spits it straight out again.
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