This is an old page - it still exists for archival purposes, but it hasn't been on the menu since 2005, possibly earlier. That means I wrote it as a young teenager and found it embarrassing or redundant enough to disown it even when I was fifteen. Thus, it is probably outdated, poorly or childishly written and presented, and otherwise of questionable quality, and I do not necessarily endorse any views and opinions expressed here today. If you've stumbled upon it, treat it accordingly.

Pokémon astrology!

If you've seen Mewkitty's Fortuneteller Pikachu, this is a bit similar, except that this is not random, it changes every week, these are longer and I wrote all of them myself (as in I'm not using fan-sent stuff). Special thanks to Cobalt Dragon for these wonderful sprites (used with his permission).

Written in the stars over Kanto and Johto (they don't know the slightest thing about what's going to happen to people who don't like pokémon, just for your information) for next week, March 7th - March 13th:

Aries, the Ram (March 21st - April 19th)
You will have a bad day this Monday. Somehow all your Electric pokémon will decide to go out of their respective pokémon versions to protest about that you always forget to turn the lights off when you go out of the house. On Thursday, a conspiracy will unmask: all the lightbulbs in the world are actually made out of Light Bulbasaur cards some pokémon hater was attempting to burn when they started emitting bright light like that. Then you will eat pancakes and forget about all of this because a stray Alakazam used Psychic on the pancakes while they were still vulnerable in their liquid form. This means that you forget all about the conspiracy and that pokémon exist, and will never find out that this Alakazam was actually being controlled by Mewtwo, who is serving the government in keeping things like that quiet. Sad.

Taurus, the Bull (April 20th - May 20th)
On Tuesday, you will get a sudden longing to play your Red/Blue/Yellow version, so you search for it all over the house and are starting to panic when the broom cupboard bursts open and all the brooms fall onto your head along with the game pak, which is thankfully not broken. You will then turn it on, go to the Safari Zone and find new Gold Teeth on the ground, although you won't notice since you'll hear a noise like glass is being broken at that exact moment so you'll look away but keep pressing A, and due to your distraction you'll forget that you found anything at all. Then you'll decide to do the Glitch city code, the Warden will be stuck on the roof of a house and you'll have to use a pokémon with Fly to save him, although you won't understand what he says because you didn't give him his Gold Teeth yet so you just go back down, thinking he was refusing your help. Then you'll save inside Glitch city, turn your gameboy off, and when you turn it back on on Friday, as you coincidentally forgot which game was in it, you'll drop it while the intro is playing, and when you turn it back on, you'll have a level 100 Mew, all your pokémon will be capable of learning an infinite number of attacks, the game will suddenly have gotten the graphics of Fire red and Leaf green and it will be fully compatible with Ruby and Sapphire (including trading over new pokémon). The cartridge won't be harmed otherwise. Next time you visit the game store, you'll be greeted by staff members wearing party hats, saying you're the millionth customer and then they'll give you a Gameboy Advance SP, a Gameboy Advance link cable, a Gamecube and Pokémon Colosseum, in English.

Gemini, the Twins (May 21st - June 20th)
On Wednesday, you'll discover that in another universe with different laws of physics where pokémon exist, you have a counterpart who's exactly the same as you apart from being a pokémon trainer. Unfortunately, the stars haven't informed me of how in the world you discover that. He or she will send a Kadabra to get you, and you'll live in the pokémon world until somebody pointed out that it isn't possible to teleport between universes, especially not to one where teleporting is against the laws of physics, and you'll realize that this was a dream. Not the whole thing, just the part from when the Kadabra came. You'll be penfriends from there on, as he/she already told you that he/she is actually the person who got that really original screen name before you.

Cancer, the Crab (June 21st - July 22nd)
This Monday, you will be bored and randomly construct small balls of clay and after a while you'll come out of a trance discovering that you just made a really good-looking Onix model. You will get addicted to it and buy more clay. All you do for the rest of the week will be constructing more pokémon models. On Friday they'll come to life, hail you as their creator and go outside - only to get hit by a car. You will spend all of Saturday mourning over your favorite pokémon.

Leo, the Lion (July 23rd - August 22nd)
On Friday, you will watch the third movie in some way or another. You will discover a lot of the philosophy behind it, and write a long essay about it on your computer. You will then dance around and yell "Ooh yeah!" just because you feel like it. On Saturday you'll get sick, change the trendy phrase in Dewford to HAPPY GLOOM, go out to Route 119 and discover that Feebas is in the first tile you fish in. Actually in the next one too.

Virgo, the Virgin (August 23rd - September 22nd)
On Tuesday, you will fall asleep while trying to play your Gameboy Advance. When you look at the screen, still half-asleep, you'll see a word flash across the screen. Be sure to remember that word. On Thursday you'll feel depressed and write a long rant about how evil the world is. Then take the first letter of each sentence, and put the result in an online anagram maker. Find the anagram that makes the most sense out of the ones you get, and you'll spend the rest of the week trying to find out the connection between the two random phrases.

Libra, the Scales (September 23rd - October 22nd)
You will take a few deep breaths on Thursday to get rid of the sudden panic that made you think you were about to die a few years ago. You'll feel much better, levitate into the air and turn into a balloon. Then you'll disappear into the sky, never to be seen again. Or something like that, there's a cloud blocking out those stars.

Scorpio, the Scorpion (October 23rd - November 21st)
Siht elohw keew, uoy lliw evil sdrawkcab. Kaeps sdrawkcab, daer sdrawkcab, klaw sdrawkcab, tae sdrawkcab. Tsuj daer siht epocsoroh neht os uoy t'now evah ot ekam na troffe ot ekam tuo tahw ti syas. Siht snaem taht uoy lliw eb a keew regnuoy txen Yadrutas naht siht eno. Revewoh, nehw uoy ekaw pu no Yadrutas, uoy lliw evil ni htob snoitcerid esuaceb uoy lliw evah denrut otni a Girafarig.

Sagittarius, the Archer (November 22nd - December 21st)
You will be filled with a sudden rage when a phone booth explodes in your face this Wednesday.

Page last modified August 12 2016 at 22:34 GMT