The Bloatonian Dream
A (Insane) Pokémon Tale by Latios
Author’s Dedication: To Mewkitty, whose Pokémon page was the first unofficial page I visited; to Dragonfree a.k.a. Butterfree, who first posted my work; and to Dannichu, who inspired me to break out of the mold of totally logical, coherent prose! All of you are truly great Pokémon fans! August 20, 2003
Disclaimer of Legal Responsibility: Walking across a street or highway with one’s eyes down and without looking to the left, the right, and the left again is not supported or promoted in any way by the author (Latios) or by the publishers (The Cave of Dragonflies, Mew’s Hangout). Any reference to the aforementioned behavior (i.e., looking at the ground to cross a motorway) in this work is strictly satirical in nature, and is not intended to be taken literally. Bodily or property damage sustained as a result of not crossing any motorway in the correct manner is the responsibility of neither the author nor the publishers.
These are the 20 insane phrases I gave myself to weave into the story:
1. You’re a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt!
2. I have very few communicable diseases.
3. I demand a recount!
4. Augh! The peanut butter is ruined!
5. Dude, you gotta help me! I’m being stalked by a giant pickle!
6. Repent sinners! The end is near!
7. I think I’m going to hurl . . .
8. How should I know? I spent the day in Vegas!
9. Get the Cool Whip™! Hurry!
10. Hoo-hahh. Hoo-hahh.
11. It’s a flying banana!
12. As I recall, you seemed to spend most of your time picking your nose.
13. Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can there remain some villainy thou hast not yet committed?
14. I really need a hug!
15. I’m here to deliver a wedgie.
16. I think my car just burped.
17. Excuse me, sir. Are you dead?
18. Aiee! The Blue Cows are coming! The Blue Cows are coming!
19. Dud Lite presents . . . Real Men of Stupidity.
20. Have I ever mentioned that I’m a deranged postal employee?
Latios (author and narrator, not the blue dragon we all know and love): Our tale begins in the bustling city of Goldenrod, where Pikachu and his friends live in the imposing Mart Complex. Their trainer, Ash, and his friends, Brock and Misty, were accidentally taken with Celibi hundreds of years back in time, as the unique Psychic-type creature fled the Ilex Forest and her predator, a strange man with a machine-gun Master Ball launcher who is known by authorities as Joseph Mustard, better known by the public as “Mean Mr.” Mustard. Pikachu and his comrades made a yearly pilgrimage to the hallowed woods of Ilex, beseeching Celibi for the safe return of their beloved trainer, bowing before the Shrine of Ilex, with Suicune the North Wind as their saint-like intermediary. After three unfruitful prayers to Celibi, some of them were becoming cynical and even a bit crotchety—
[The Meowth of Team Rocket shoves aside Latios.]
Meowth: I’m practically going out of my mind with you and your [expletive] speeches! Who do you think you are, William Faulkner?
Latios: If I were Faulkner, I’d have a bigger vocabulary and would use run-on sentences.
Meowth: Eh, who needs you, Literature Boy? C’mon, you gotta make this exciting! I’ll show you how it’s done! . . .
[Many hours after the Mart closes, Pikachu and friends are on the Rooftop Square, huddling under some old coats and staring into the night, the skyscrapers casting a soothing glow on the city. Charizard warms himself with his own tail-flame.]
Totodile: Come on, Charizard. It must be cold enough to freeze water up here. Let me stand near your tail. I’m turning blue from hypothermia.
Bayleef: Unfortunately, you’re already blue.
Totodile: Well, um . . . I’m getting bluer! That’s it!
Bayleef: Shut up and go back to sleep.
Totodile: This is tyranny! I’ll sidle up to that tail if it kills me. I might already be dead for all I know.
Cyndaquil: Kindly put a sock in it, Totodile. Be grateful that you’re not in a laboratory, crammed in some smelly cage.
Totodile: Give me liberty, or give me death! That’s what Eminem said. So, I’ll get my freedom from the cold!
Pikachu: It was Patrick Henry who said that, you dork! Did you not study your history?
Totodile: Why should I? I’m not required to go to school, you know! [Approaches Charizard.] Hey, Charizard! You’re a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained beetle-butt! Let me stand next to you, or I’ll put your precious tail-flame out!
Charizard: [Snorts a fiery breath that blows Totodile on his back.] I’m too big for one of those disgusting coats, and this tail is mine, all mine! Go light your own tail if you want a fire!
Totodile: Why, I oughtta smack you from here to Kingdom Come! [Starts squirting water at Charizard.]
Charizard: Kid, you don’t know who you’re messing with. [Swipes his claws at Totodile.] I’m a dangerous beast and a bloodthirsty barbarian! If you’re smart, you’ll crawl back under your coat, you little brat! [Charizard spews flames over Totodile’s head.]
Pikachu: Stop fighting! I’m sure we can resolve this diplomatically.
Totodile and Charizard: Oh yeah? How?
Pikachu: We have to stick together and cooperate. So apologize to each other, now!
Charizard: How about we fight first and apologize later?
Charizard: Okay, I’m sorry. You can stand next to my tail, Totodile, and the rest of you, too.
Totodile: Thank you, Charizard. I’m real sorry, too.
[Everyone gathers around Charizard’s tail-flame.]
Bayleef: Oooh, this is much better.
Cyndaquil: We can’t go on like this much longer.
Totodile: You’re right. But where are we to go? We wouldn’t last a week in the Ilex Forest!
Charizard: I could last if there were a steakhouse somewhere around the Shrine.
Pikachu: Not all of us are carnivores, you know.
Charizard: [Closes his eyes, rolling his tongue over his lips] A nice, big slab of Prime Stantler Rib, marinated in Cajun sauce and sprinkled with real garlic—
Bayleef: I think I’m going to hurl . . .
Charizard: —and crispy French fries smeared with cheese—
Bayleef: Charizard, I respect your need to eat meat, but I’m an herbivore. Please respect my decision to eat vegetables.
Charizard: Vegetables? I hate vegetables!
Bayleef: So you hate me?
Charizard: You’re not a vegetable! If you were, you couldn’t talk or walk.
Bayleef: You are so politically incorrect, Charizard.
Pikachu: Let’s not forget that potatoes are vegetables.
Charizard: [Looks at Pikachu as if he swallowed poison.] They are!?
Pikachu: They grow in the ground, right? They have leaves on them, right? What did you think they were?
Charizard: Roasted Digletts? . . .
Cyndaquil: How did our discussion deviate to food?
Bayleef: Perhaps if you were paying attention you might know!
Charizard: I have an idea. Far, far out, beyond the Hoennian Sea, there’s a place called “Bloato.” Bloato is a continent about five times the size of Johto and Kanto combined. There are no trainers there, because all the Pokémon are . . . well . . . crazy. Or so the urban legend of Goldenrod has it. They say that everyone there is rich beyond your wildest dreams—money practically grows on trees there. Everybody has at least three cars and a swimming pool, too.
Pikachu: Where did you find out about all this?
Charizard: A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the “Savage” Regions of the Pokémon World by Professor Samuel D. Oak. See? It says so right here. [Hands book to Pikachu.]
Cyndaquil: I’ve never heard of a place called Bloato, but if Oak says it exists, it must be true.
Bayleef: I actually remember watching a documentary on it. It said that Salamence III, King of Hoenn, originally established Bloato in 1607, out of raw wilderness. He named it as such because his cousin, Dragonite XI, then the Queen of Johto, paid him huge sacks of diamonds and gold to christen it with a name similar to her own kingdom. In 1729, though, most of the colonists moved away, when it was announced that the rival kingdoms of Johto and Kanto were to be ruled as two nations under one ruler, the former Queen of Kanto, Moltres XIV, who pledged to make Johto-Kanto as close to Utopia as possible. Dragonite unexpectedly died at the age of 257 as she was asleep, and since she had not borne a child to ascend the throne after she had parted from this world, the Archbishop of Ecruteak was forced to surrender the Johtonian throne to Kanto. Moltres was nothing but a corrupt, moneyed, overbearing politician, however, and the Pokémon and dedicated trainers of Bloato played an important role in overthrowing her to establish the present-day Republic of Johto-Kanto. Hoenn did not let go of her monarchy until 1952, when—
Totodile: Okay, okay, enough with the history lessons. I say we head for Bloato tomorrow. I’m sick and tired of living in this stupid Mart Complex waiting stupidly for our stupid trainer to stupidly come stoopin’ back home—
Pikachu: Hey! Ash was a good trainer!
Cyndaquil: Yeah! Stop the Ash-bashing, Totodile!
Bayleef: Enough, already. Let’s go back to bed. Don’t you think we’ve argued enough?
Totodile: No! Let’s debate whether I was cuter as a small Totodile or as a fully-grown Totodile!
Cyndaquil: As I recall, you seemed to spend most of your time picking your nose when you were a hatchling.
Totodile: Nose? What nose? Moses—supposes—his toeses—are roses—but Moses—supposes—erroneously—
Cyndaquil: Who does he think he is? Fred Astaire?
Totodile: [Breaks into a tap dance.] Dah-dah-doo-dah . . .
Cyndaquil: All right, you don’t have a nose. You have a snout. Are you happy?
Totodile: I’d be really happy if you pierced my snout and gave me a snout ring.
Cyndaquil: No, thank you.
Totodile: I have very few communicable diseases.
Everyone but Totodile: You mean you have any?
Totodile: I have acute dermatitis.
Totodile: Acute dermatitis. You know, severe itching and peeling. Wanna see my ringworm? . . .
Bayleef: Please refrain from exhibiting your diseases and let us go to sleep.
Pikachu: We’ve got a busy day tomorrow. Our buddy, Charizard, is going to fly us to Bloato.
Charizard: Why me?
Bayleef: Because you can fly, obviously.
Charizard: Let’s have a vote on this. Who wants me to take us to Bloato? [Everyone but Charizard raises his hand.]
Pikachu: Sorry, Charizard. Four against one—you lose.
Charizard: I demand a recount!
Pikachu: Okay—one, two, three, four “yes” votes, and one “no” vote. It’s as plain as daylight!
Charizard: Yeah, but it’s nighttime.
Cyndaquil: It’s a figure of speech, Charizard.
Charizard: Oh, okay. Well, I want to see Bloato as much as the rest of you, so I’ll take you on my back tomorrow.
THE NEXT MORNING
Charizard: [While asleep, he has a dream.] Mmm . . . Piloswine ribs dunked in barbecue sauce, and a side of fried Farfetch’d legs . . .
Pikachu: Is everyone ready?
Bayleef: Yes, we’re set to go.
Pikachu: Are we forgetting anything?
Totodile: Gasp! The peanut butter! Can’t live without my peanut butter! What would I do without my beloved—
Cyndaquil: Just find your stupid peanut butter, already!
Totodile: Oh, whew. Here it is. [Opens the jar.] Augh! The peanut butter is ruined!
Bayleef: What do you mean?
Totodile: There are knife wounds in the peanut butter! You can’t stab it. You must slowly caress it with the knife and gingerly ease it out of the jar.
Pikachu: What are you, some kind of Wolfgang Puck wannabe?
Totodile: [With a snobbish air.] Some of us are peanut butter connoisseurs and can appreciate subtle differences between different batches, the type of peanuts used, mixing styles, and grinding techniques. Take Jif® 1998, for instance. Not a good year at all—
Bayleef: It’s peanut butter, not Chardonnay. What’s the big deal, anyway?
Totodile: [Starry-eyed.] The big deal is that I have always wanted to go to the Bloato peanut-butter-tasting tour!
Cyndaquil: Boy, you must really like peanut butter!
Pikachu: We’re not going anywhere until anywhere until Charizard wakes up . . .
Charizard: [Still asleep, dreaming.] Fresh Kingler meat with cocktail sauce—
Pikachu: [Shocks Charizard out of slumber.] Get up! It’s almost sunrise! We’ve got to go before the trainers see us!
Charizard: I was just about to bite into that Kingler leg when you woke me up!
Cyndaquil: Is food all you ever dream about?
Charizard: Actually, no. I often dream about fighting other Charizards and winning, or dating Latias, or—
Bayleef: Why Latias, of all Pokémon?
Charizard: Because Latias is the most beautiful and intelligent dragon Pokémon in the world, of course!
Pikachu: But you’re not classified as a Dragon-type.
Charizard: I should be! I fly, right? I have arms, so I’m not a bird, right? I have razor-sharp teeth and claws, and to top it off, I breathe fire! I’m just like the dragons in all those old fairy tales! Brother, you’re looking at a 100% pureblooded dragon!
Pikachu: Okay, okay. Can we get going, now?
Charizard: Yeah, I hear you. All aboard!
[Everyone climbs onto Charizard’s back.]
Bayleef: I can’t hold on to you very well, so start slowly, okay?
Charizard: Whatever you say—thank you for choosing Charizard Airlines. Before we begin, I’d like to point out some safety features—
Cyndaquil: But there are none.
Charizard: Ah! What an observant little mouse we have today! That’s right—if you fall off, you’re dead!
Pikachu: How comforting.
FIVE HOURS LATER
Charizard: We are now approaching the Bloatonian Coast. [A beach of white sand comes into views, with many Pokémon playing and relaxing in the sun, as Charizard touches down.] The Eagle has landed!
Totodile: God be praised! I can finally stretch my legs!
Pikachu: Speaking of God . . .
[A group of Xatu sways together, walking up the sandy shore, chanting,]
Xatus: Repent sinners! The end is near! Repent sinners! The end is very near! Repent! Repent for your eternal soul—
Pikachu: What signs in the heavens do you see, O Wise One?
Head Xatu: A yellow vessel shall invade the sky . . .
Totodile: A yellow vessel?
Head Xatu: Aye, a yellow vessel. And that vessel shall spew forth azure beasts—
Charizard: Look! It’s a flying banana!
[The banana opens up, and a horde of flying cows emerges.]
Bloatonian Locals: Aiee! The Blue Cows are coming! The Blue Cows are coming!
[The locals run away, as Darth Vader emerges from the banana, floating down to the beach.]
Darth Vader: Hoo-hahh. Hoo-hahh. Go forth, my Blue Cows, and terrorize the locals! It won’t be long before this whole nation is mine! Hoo-hahh. My will is law! Hoo-hahh.
Charizard: You brought a cooler full of food, right, Totodile?
Totodile: Yeah, we’ve got three jars of peanut butter, a bottle of ketchup (Pikachu has such weird taste), a tub of Cool Whip™—
Charizard: Get the Cool Whip™. Hurry!
Cyndaquil: What are you going to do with it?
Charizard: You’ll see . . .
[Charizard takes the Cool Whip™ from Totodile and opens it. The Blue Cows stop chasing the locals, and start flying toward Charizard. Charizard leads them back in the flying banana, and throws the Cool Whip™ inside. They all fight over the whipped topping, while Charizard flies over to Darth Vader and tackles him. Stunned and pinned to the ground, he cannot reach his light-saber. Pikachu flicks it on, but . . .]
Pikachu: Hey! This isn’t a light-saber! It’s an official Star Wars™ toy! It says, “Made in China” on the handle!
Charizard: You’ve reached the end of the line, phony!
Darth Vader: Hoo-hahh. Hoo-hahh. I confess! [Takes off his mask.] I’m just a wannabe who’s actually a Sneasel!
[Charizard releases Sneasel as he gets to his feet.]
Totodile: What did you do that for!? And where did you get those cows and that flying banana?
Sneasel: My former trainer was a rancher who dappled in genetic engineering and inventing. When his business folded and he left me in rural Johto, I came to Bloato with his flying cows and his banana-ship to have some fun.
Cyndaquil: You have a cruel sense of fun.
Sneasel: All of my kind are like that. We live scare the daylights out of others.
Pikachu: Then why don’t you work in horror films? Then we could choose whether or not we want to frightened!
Sneasel: What a great idea! I could get filthy rich while I’m at it! And then I could be the next governor of California, just like Ronald Reagan!
Totodile: But you’re not human, you can’t speak like humans, and you’ve never held political office before.
Sneasel: Reality continues to ruin my life . . .
LATER THAT DAY
[Pikachu and friends walk down a busy street in downtown Zangoose, the city on whose shores Charizard previously landed. A Ludicolo approaches them, who is practically jumping out of his skin.]
Ludicolo: Dude! You gotta help me! I’m being stalked by a giant pickle!
Bayleef: I don’t see any giant pickles . . .
Ludicolo: AAAAUGH! There he is!
Ludicolo: [Pointing at Bayleef.] There!
Bayleef: I am not a pickle!
Ludicolo: All right, Pickle! I’m takin’ you to the sauerkraut factory!
Totodile: I thought sauerkraut was made from cucumbers.
Ludicolo: Sssh! You’ll scare away the bugs!
Ludicolo: Have I ever mentioned that I’m a deranged postal employee? Now, I’ll get you with my Mail Time attack! [Leaps at Charizard.] Eee-yahh!
Pikachu: [Shocks Ludicolo, who falls to the sidewalk.] What the heck is wrong with you!?
Ludicolo: Uh . . . uh . . . um . . . I smell funny?
Cyndaquil: You smell funny, all right! What have you been doing, swimming in fish oil?
Ludicolo: I hear the Stooges! They’re comin’ to get ya!
[A police car, manned by a group of Growlithe, pulls up next to Ludicolo, lights flashing. Ludicolo is handcuffed and led inside, while an officer explains:]
Growlithe: I am terribly sorry for this. He belongs in an insane asylum and hasn’t been without medication for over a week. Zangoose is usually a peaceful city.
Ludicolo: [From inside the car.] I really need a hug!
Driver Growlithe: Oh, you’ll get your hug all right . . . when we restrain you, that is!
Growlithe: I must be on my way, now.
[Pikachu and friends wave goodbye and walk away, while Growlithe and the others drive away.]
Ludicolo: They’re coming to take me away—ha-ha—he-he—ho-ho—to the funny farm!
SEVIPER CITY, NIGHTTIME
Totodile: [With a scholarly air.] What is this, the Bloatonian Dream? Is it fabulous wealth? [Points to large skyscrapers.] Is it intellectual freedom? [Points to a Scyther and an Electabuzz in a heated debate at an outdoor café table.] Or is it euphoria? [Points to a Cleffa, an Igglybuff, and a Magby getting a sugar high from lollipops and soda.]
Charizard: I think it’s just a bunch of really weird Pokémon.
Pikachu: Where do you suppose we are?
Bayleef: Somewhere on planet Earth.
Cyndaquil: Oh, you’re a big help.
Totodile: Let’s ask him for help, speaking of it. [Points to a Kadabra sprawled out on the stairs of a public library.]
Pikachu: Excuse me, sir. Do you know where the nearest restaurant is? We’re all really hungry and . . . hello?
Cyndaquil: Why isn’t he responding?
Bayleef: Maybe he’s dead. Let’s see—[Shouts.] Excuse me, sir! Are you dead?
Cyndaquil: You have to check his pulse and his breathing, moron.
Bayleef: Oh, right.
[Bayleef approaches Kadabra, but Kadabra thrusts his eyes open.]
Kadabra: I’m here to deliver a wedgie.
Pikachu: How . . . nice.
Kadabra: It’s not nice! It’s great! I get paid $100 per victim to string up Pokémon by their clothes!
Cyndaquil: Unfortunately for you, the vast majority of us don’t wear anything, ever.
Kadabra: Who asked you!?
Charizard: I want to join this organization! What’s it called?
Kadabra: United Wedgie Service, of course!
Bayleef: So you get paid to lie around?
Kadabra: I just have to wait for the victims my customers want me to get . . . There’s one!
[A Machoke pulls up in an old Cadillac, which emits steam and makes whistling noises from the engine. When the engine is turned off, a loud groan is heard from the car.]
Machoke: I really need some help. I think my car just burped.
Kadabra: All right! You’re under arrest! By the powers vested in me from the Exalted Wedgie Man, you are hereby sentenced to hanging from the loincloth!
Machoke: Says you and what army?
Kadabra: Says me and the United Wedgie Service, of course!
[Kadabra, being a Psychic-type, quickly wrestles Machoke to the ground, hoists him onto a hook driven into a utility pole, and teleports away. Charizard brings him down again.]
Machoke: Thank you so much. I had idea that was an organization like the United Wedgie Service. I guess I’ll be more careful. Say, do you know where the nearest repair shop is?
Bayleef: We’re not from around here.
Machoke: I see. Well, thank you again! And watch out—there are a lot of crazy Pokémon in Bloato.
Totodile: Thanks for the advice! (Okay, so I was wrong, Charizard. Sue me for being melodramatic about the Bloatonian Dream.)
Charizard: Not a bad idea!
Pikachu: Huh boy . . . This will be a long night.
[Pikachu and friends walk into a coffee shop advertising free refreshments and dramatic performances. They settle in the crowded shop, munching biscotti and sipping espresso as they watch the performers.]
Medichan: Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can there remain some villainy thou hast not yet committed?
Smeargle: How should I know? I spent the day in Vegas!
Medichan: Aye, but hear ye this: I’ll soon know thy deeds. Get thee gone, wastrel.
Smeargle: You’re weird.
Medichan: Thou art stranger betwixt us.
ONE HOUR LATER
Pikachu: That was interesting. A reinterpretation of Shakespeare.
Totodile: We still haven’t seen the Peanut Butter Festival!
Bayleef: Enough already with your [expletive] peanut butter!
Cyndaquil: Oh, my virgin ears!
Charizard: It’s not like we’re in some G-rated family film, you know. Everyone hears that word sometime or another. I also thought I’d mention that you don’t have ears, and that you won’t get any until you evolve.
Pikachu: Sssh! The next show is starting!
Brock-like Announcer: Dud Lite presents . . . Real Men of Stupidity.
Misty-like Announcer: [Slower, melodically.] Real Men of Stupidity.
Brock-like Announcer: Today, we razz you, Mr. Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Misty-like Announcer: [Faster, melodically.] Mr. Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Brock-like Announcer: Shunning the wisdom of your parents, you prove that real men do it looking down, [Ash-like actor silently walks out, looking down] staring at every single crack in the street!
Misty-like Announcer: [Slower, melodically.] Don’t break your mother’s back!
Brock-like Announcer: You don’t care if a hundred cars pile up behind you just because you stepped out on a green light! You wanted across, you’ll get across, no matter what!
Misty-like Announcer: [Slower, melodically.] No matter what!
Brock-like Announcer: Hey, it’s a dangerous world, and a dangerous world needs a beverage with attitude. So crack open an ice-cold Dud Lite, and know that we fully despise your unsafe and inconsiderate behavior, [Ash-like actor opens a soda bottle, and drinks] Mr. Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Misty-like Announcer: [Faster, melodically.] Mr. Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Meowth: Remember me? I’m back! This story is taking way too long to wrap up, so I’ll just say Ash and Pikachu and everyone reunite tearfully and everyone is happy again. THE—
Latios: That was much more exciting. But . . . why the sudden ending?
Meowth: Eh, I just get bored really fast.
Latios: How dare you call yourself a writer!?
Meowth: Who asked you, Literature Boy? This is my story, remember? So I say, [expletive] off and let me finish!
Latios: You are a disgrace to the art of writing!
Meowth: It makes me proud to disgrace the high and mighty. That’s why I joined Team Rocket. Duh!
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